True Confessions of a SAHM on the verge of a job interview...

OK, I think it's been established at some point that I've been kind of looking (admittedly perhaps a bit less whole-heartedly than I should) for a job. Just, you know. Life happens, and right now we really need the financial boost. To help with this, my parents took my kids for the summer. My MIL died a couple of weeks ago so DH had to take an entire week with no work -- and thus no pay -- so we could go up there for that, and now he's off to NC for two weeks for Reserve training (again, no pay from his regular job, and no telling if when we get his Reserve pay it will make up for the two weeks of nothing).

I've been stressing over a resume, because really the idea of working at Wal-Mart or a grocery store or some other large-chain retail/fast food job is Too Depressing For Words and I'd be competing with a ton of kids looking for summer jobs in between school years, and... yeah. So. Resume that hopefully makes me look like a competent hire-able adult despite a looooong stretch (nearly a  dozen years!) of No Actual Paycheck.

But it seems to have paid off; I got a call from a Real Estate Agency wanting someone to do clerical/support type stuff. They had me do a personality test on the internet, decided from that to call me in for some skills tests. I'm fairly confident on the math part (although I do not enjoy math) but I'm worried that my typing skills will not cut it. I know they're a little rusty these days. I'm confident that, once I'm using them again regularly, they'll shine right back up, but... well, getting the chance to shine 'em is going to be the hard part. On the plus side, I'm not planning on leaving any time soon (although if they'll send me back to school to learn office-manager-y stuff, I would love that) so that might be a plus. (And, yeah, I'm trying to type this as quickly & mistake-free as I can.)

Anyway, I've been ruminating a bit on things like whether or not, beyond the financial necessity, I actually *want* a job -- more specifically, if I actually want *this* job -- and I think... I think, yeah, I do.

It sounds like it's going to be a challenge, stretch mental muscles I haven't had to use in a long time, and I'll be frank. With few exceptions relating to mostly craft projects (UGH Gifted Program), I haven't had to challenge myself much over the last few years. I mean, not that way. My patience, yes. My voice, MY GOD YES. But my brain? There are the random philosophical questions from DinoBoy and VelcroBoy, but they don't so much challenge me to *think* as they challenge me to try to figure out how to explain these complex ideas to them in fairly simplistic terms, while not completely ruling out for them the idea that there *is* complexity to them that they can continue to discover. If that makes sense.

And keeping house is not challenging. It gets physically challenging when I decided to take on heavy, moving-furniture-and-all-the-things, down-on-my-knees-scrubbing type cleaning, but it's even then still very rote. Plus it's hampered by the fact that I don't CARE, I don't need my house to look like a magazine spread. I need it to look like anyone can walk in, grab a book & a blanket, and settle down on the sofa, and they'll have a cat on their lap and a dog at their feet before the blanket is on and the book is open (they probably won't; my cats are weird about laps). I want my house to look like half a dozen kids can come tromping through with a metric ton of sports equipment, half of which I don't know the name for, and I won't freak out about "Oh My GOD WHAT are you doing to my FLOOR!?" Also, I want my kids to be able to function as adults and know how to clean up various different kinds of messes and as far as I can see, the best way to let them learn that is to let them do it themselves. Which means I have to take a back seat on some stuff and let them take on more and more chores.

It's been disconcerting being just me at home here lately (even when hubby's home, it's for very short periods of time & I haven't actually cooked much because I'm not sure how to cook for anything less than half an army), but having to do All The Things all by myself has just kind of reinforced how much I don't enjoy these things that seem to be part and parcel of the SAHP life.

If -- no, WHEN -- I get this job, I may use some of my earnings to hire someone to come clean for me.

Gah... I feel like I'm always apologizing to my blog...

It's just...been so random lately. Without internet at home, I don't always think to actually write up blog posts (although they percolate through my brain nearly constantly. Of course, if I leave them there, they disappear completely when the next Idea traipses through...). And of course there's been a million and one other things happening to put this on hold, as it were -- we're nearly at the end of the school year and I'm looking for a part time job to help defray expenses because we had to start getting health insurance through DH's work because he's having some health issues, and he's probably going to have to get out of the reserves. And how me working is going to work with the kids being home, I do NOT know; I'm a bit stressed about that, TBH, but don't really see any alternative. DH's mom is having some pretty massive health issues; there's question as to whether or not she's going to be with us much longer, and that, of course, has plunged part of the family into dramadramadrama in addition to their usual... let's be honest, compared to my family, who are weird and random and dramatic, DH's family is full of so many Drama Llamas, I'm just exhausted by it all.

On the Up Side, I'm learning how to use Jutoh to turn a Word document into various other types of downloadable ebooks for self-publishing. I've got the basics down; now I'm just playing with specific special things. Maybe I can leverage that into something that brings some actual money in (at least enough to get internet back?) so I'm kind of excited about that. And I want to go back to school in the fall. Not sure it's actually going to happen, honestly; I've put off getting information for some of it for so long, and it just might not work timing-wise, if I'm trying to work while the kids are in school come fall. But you never know. I can try, still.

However, our beloved Pittsburgh Penguins are doing this thing where they were playing *awesome* and had a 3-1 lead over the Rangers in their current playoff series and then they... I don't know. Anyway, they lost 2 games in a row. It's hard to tell exactly how they fell apart when you're doing all your "watching" via Twitter updates. Anyway, they have a game tomorrow. If they manage to somehow pull themselves up by the bootstraps and win, they go on to the semifinals where they'll be playing either the Boston Bruins or the Montreal Canadiens; otherwise, the NYRangers go on... So, keeping my fingers crossed.

And now... to fill out some applications online and see if I can write a resume that's good enough, with virtually no real-life work experience, and all of that happening 10+ years ago, to get me a job that's neither Wal-Mart or fast food. I've done that before and nearly anything is preferable...

Here we go again...

Sometimes I just get so caught up in the rollercoaster that is frequently my life that I forget to take a few minutes to myself to just stop and breathe.

Of course, sometimes, I have the actual *time* to stop and breathe, but I'm afraid if I do I won't be able to restart, or I'll drop one of the carefully juggled balls, or I'll just...give up. Which is kind of the same as not restarting, or at least very similar.

I'm caught between loving my life and hating it a little, and I feel torn and guilty. I am trying really very hard to not hold myself to standards that are not actually my own.

I don't know; maybe I'm overthinking. Probably. The problem with my particular rollercoaster is that it doesn't exactly require a lot of brainpower. The stuff I love, the stuff I hate -- it's all stuff that keeps my body occupied but doesn't exactly engage the mind all that much.

I've thought about trying to take random classes, just, you know, stuff I'm interested in but aren't necessarily part of some big Plan for My Life, but...that kind of thing just isn't available here in town, and between kids and travel time and gas prices, I can't go elsewhere looking for it. Maybe I need to set some local goals, like retraining myself to read a little more critically, or less for enjoyment (some stuff, at least). And, I don't know... maybe some other stuff? volunteer work? I have so many things running through my brain sometimes, and none of them ever quite seem to click with me.

I'm feeling a bit like Charlie Brown right about now: "'Nothing lasts forever, All good things must end.' I've memorized that phrase by heart. So, tell me, I need to know it... When do the good things start?" (Only, yeah, I've had some good things. But this particular moment in time is kinda short on them.)

DH & I are still talking about moving to Pittsburgh within the next couple of years. I am so beyond ready for that.

Sieve-for-Brains

I actually had something I wanted to say on here.

I can't remember it now...




Anyway, mostly I've been doing my thing (looking at pictures & gifs & videos of primarily hockey players) on tumblr.

I'm not making much progress in doing things that need doing; I need to start setting timers even more than alarms, I think. & maybe when we have medical insurance again, I should see about figuring out what the hell it is that keeps me so tired & unmotivated all the time. It's kinda getting old; I'm done with feeling mentally foggy all the time.

I'm trying to get back into the habit of yoga every day. I may have to start letting the kids practice with me; otherwise I won't have time till midnight every night (starting Friday they have a WHOLE WEEK off school, then they only have about 3-4 more weeks before the super-long winter break (which is at least a month long).

I dunno, it feels like I had something of substance to say, but I can't think what it is, still.

Laundry and reading...

I have been remiss....

... I have been letting this blog languish. In my defense, there's been a lot going on. One of these days I may update on that. For right now, I'll just say I've been spending a lot of time on Tumblr loving hockey. & on the rare occasion I have a thought that requires more than 140 characters, it's generally not that long & it's easier just to slam it out really quickly on Tumblr.

But I will figure something out & get back to this, I promise! For the whole, what, 3 of you reading?

Gender Roles in my Life

I just read an interesting blog entry on gender propaganda in toy stores, not the first such article I've read, but this one really got me to think a bit more than usual about specifics of gender roles as they're presented to kids and even adults, and how they actually play out in my life. The bit that got me thinking was the last couple of sentences of the first paragraph: "The underlying point all the irrational statements have in common is one foundational core that its advocates desperately want to “protect”.  That point is that men and women hold mutually exclusive roles in the family and neither of those roles can or should be filled by a member of the opposite gender."

So, I started thinking about those roles that are seen as "typically male" or "typically female," and while I don't consider myself either particularly feminine or particularly "tomboyish" (the only acceptable descriptive word for an ostensibly straight, non-girly female, apparently), I will admit that in plenty of ways, I fit more of a "typically female" role in my life.

Typically (or really, stereotypically) "female" stuff I do:
 -cook
-clean
-pop out kids
-read
-watch romantic comedies (i.e., "chick flicks")
-wear bras & occasionally skirts
-paint my toenails
-oversee homework 
-shop

Stereotypically "male" stuff I don't do:
-mow the yard
-vehicle maintenance
-grilling
-play video games
-watch horror movies

The thing is, the things I do, we have very good reasons for why I do them. I am the one who is home regularly and frequently, so I get to be in charge of the everyday things. Considering DH is on the road driving a truck for 5-12 days at a time, it would be very difficult for him to actually cook, clean, shop, or oversee homework on a regular basis. There is NO OTHER REASON why he could not, were he equally geographically present, take over any of these chores. And the things I don't do? Well, I have to do all the day-to-day stuff, so we discussed it and decided that the occasional stuff, like lawn care and vehicle maintenance, were going to be his prerogative. He grills because he wants to, but he can also cook on the stove, and he in fact enjoys doing so every once in a while to give me a break. As for the video games and movies? Well, I'm just not coordinated enough for video games, and I don't enjoy horror movies, so why would I want to watch them? 

But let's really look at those lists, shall we? Aside from popping out kids, there is NOTHING on either of those lists that a man couldn't do as well as a woman, or vice versa. And let's be honest. We all know plenty of women who've given birth but are the farthest thing from a loving, competent parent. Some of them are even smart enough to admit it, and don't try to parent their children; others leave their kids permanently damaged because they've bought in to this ideology that as women, we're inherently ideal parents.

I know plenty of men who love to cook, maintain FAR cleaner households than mine, enjoy shopping far more than I do (I'm really not very good at browsing anywhere but kitchen stores and book stores), and probably enjoy skirts, bras, and nail polish more than I. My husband has even been known to laugh at a rom-com with me, because humor and love are not exclusive to the X chromosome.

As for the "male" stuff -- I know women who are better at car stuff than my husband (he's pretty decent but he's not a mechanic and he's ok with that). I know women who love to grill, women who enjoy mowing the yard, and women who play video games and watch horror movies. The only thing my husband has done that none of them would be able to do is produce sperm with which to get me pregnant.

I have tried not to confine my kids by gender roles in their play or their chores. If the boys choose to play with dinosaurs or trucks, and my daughter prefers Barbies, that's what they like. They all have access to the same toys, the same sports equipment, the same games and movies. My boys dust shelves, read books almost obsessively, fold laundry, sweep floors. My daughter picks up sticks from the yard so Daddy can mow. She goes hunting and fishing. 

The only "gender roles" that are predetermined by the body are reproductive, and there are ways around that. There are ways beyond adoption for a couple -- or an individual -- to have a baby without one of them getting pregnant, or donating sperm, or even having sex at all with another person. There are people who choose not to do so, for medical or personal reasons, or just because it never happens. There are ways to prevent it happening at all (of course, this is Frowned Upon by those same people who are so desperately trying to fit us into gender roles). 

The harder we try to force ourselves or others into ill-fitting boxes, the more we try to shoehorn into a prepackaged "acceptable normality," the harder it is to make them fit. The world has so many new opportunities, and the only ones putting "Boy" and "Girl" labels on them are ourselves -- a mountain doesn't care if the person standing at the top is XX or XY or any of the possible variants, or even if you identify with your particular combination, or whatever. 

Also: a few "Boy Things" that I do better than my husband? Science. Math. And I kill my own spiders.

True Confessions of a SAHM: Glee and me

I know it's a weird time for this. Glee is heading into its...ummm...3rd? 4th? 5th season? Something like that. I don't know. And one of its stars, Corey Monteith, OD'd a couple of months ago.

But for some reason I started watching the first season the other day (thanks, I think, Amazon?)

I am HATING myself for this. Not because I'm not a soap opera type, but just because it's, frankly, obnoxious.

The only characters I feel any ability to sympathize with are Sue Sylvester's sister, Kurt's dad, and Finn's mom.

That's it.

The others are ALL irritating. I didn't have time for people like that when I was in high school.

The worst part is that the final episode of the season is the only one in which any of the characters seem to have shown any actual genuine character growth, and from having caught bits and pieces of other seasons, I really think it's NOT actually genuine.

UGH.

Just... UGH.

Anyway... the reason I'm watching?

The music. I love so much of the music. Except for Gaga & Madonna (but I kind of like Madonna, a little, at least her earlier stuff).

So, there you have it. Crap show, great music. I like the lessons they're trying to impart, but... I don't really think they're actually *doing* it. I really don't.

Just sayin'.