Hello, Internet!

I am me, and I am proud!

I've been pondering and musing a lot lately (I have time for this, what with having to sit and supervise homework for an hour or more every day). And what I have been thinking about is myself. Sometimes it's hard for me to put into words all the things I think about me, but the one thing that keeps coming up is how much I *want* to love this elusive "ME" and how much I don't love her. And how far away she seems sometimes.

I'm not really sure who "ME" is, most of the time. I've never really been, to be completely honest. I've looked for her from time to time, with varying levels of success, but she's never really been...there. Just kind of hovers in the background, but won't let herself be caught (rather like a nervous, not-quite-feral cat. Maybe that's why I identify with felines so strongly.)

But the topic keeps coming up in my mind, and occasionally on blogs or Twitter or Facebook, and so I keep thinking about it (and always when I don't have the computer handy to write down my thoughts. So I keep forgetting key points. Or not forgetting, just...misplacing.)'

There are things I want to do with myself, for myself...and the only thing holding me back is me. If I were determined, I could work around the kids-and-husband issues (although the single-car, no-money part may be more difficult) and find a job or a school. I choose whether or not I exercise, how I (and the rest of the family) eat (they eat better than I do.) I choose what I read and watch on TV -- no apologies for any of that. When "smarter" stuff than romance appeals to me, that's what I read. If I feel the need for a preponderance of escapist material these days, who are you to judge?

I have let others control my life too much. I have let *circumstances* control my life too much. I let my guilt and external expectations curb my naturally sunny nature. I'm lucky, I suppose, in that I haven't exactly reached a point where complete strangers feel the need to comment on my life, the books I read, the things I say on here...I expect it will probably come eventually; I can't continue in this sterile state of limbo forever. I hope I'll be ready for it when it happens (but I equally hope I'll be able to deal if it *doesn't* -- there's always, I suppose, the possibility no one will ever discover me here in this little corner of the internet.) One day, I may even be brave enough to deliberately put myself out there in front of others.

You'll be the first to know.

Ranty McRantypants

There are some days you just can't seem to get off the ground. Today has been one of them, definitely. Bad weather, bad finances, backache and all kinds of stuff have combined to leave me grumpy and blue. And the DH spending All Day (seriously! All day!!) on the damn XBox with various members of the Barbarian Horde playing various versions of Halo was Not Helpful to my general mood.

So I holed up in bed and I read. The only thing I've eaten today is a handful of M&Ms, a pimiento-cheese sandwich (I have *got* to start making my own; that store-bought stuff is such CRAP!), 5 slices of canned peach, and a grilled cheese sandwich. I know, I know. I'm working on that starting tomorrow. Mostly because we're at the point of only eating what's on hand, and thankfully the fridge is stocked full of fruits and veggies, and I'm gonna have to bake bread for sandwiches (but I don't WANNAaaaaa....)

And the reading the last couple of days has engendered a mini-rant from me. The words "He said," "She replied," etc., have long gotten old; everyone knows you need more interesting tags than that. BUT. Can we please put a moratorium on the word "coo" and all its variants? Please, God? Please? I'm sure it's a perfectly good word, if you're a pigeon or dove. Or possibly if you're speaking to a baby. But a fully-grown male (or female) speaking to another fully-grown male (or female) Should Not COO. Damnit. I'm sure it's supposed to evoke a sweet, loving, low, sort of sing-songy tone, but it's like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. Let them croon, please. It just sounds more adult -- brings to mind Tony Bennet, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin. NOT a mother trying to calm a screaming child, or a particularly obnoxious and stupid (though quietly lovely) bird. Kthnxbai

Then, today, I read over my blog roll and find some sort-of-serialized posts. They're stories that I'd really love to love, posted in increments regularly for free on blogs. But sadly, I'm not loving a lot of them. The characters are great, but the English? Atrocious. Grammar? Non-existant. Spelling? OMG Let's not *even* go there. Look, I get that these aren't intended to be the most polished thing ever, but seriously! Get thee a beta reader who knows a little about this stuff to at least clear up some of the most egregious errors before you post! And more importantly, when you post excerpts from actual, published (or slated-to-be-published-in-the-near-future) works, make sure they're competently copyedited. Because as a reader, I'm not inclined to want to pay for your work if it's that unprofessional-looking. My book-allowance is slim; since I can't exactly flip through digital books at random down my local Wal-Mart, I really rely on those excerpts and blurbs to help me decide where my money's going. And even a few major foul-ups will make me avoid you like the plague. I have a couple of authors who were at one point on my auto-buy list *despite* many errors who are no longer there, because I can no longer tolerate the missteps, the homophone abuse, the redundancy. At one point, excellent world-building and interesting characters would be sufficient for me to overlook such things, but no more.

Now. The Halo, and the DH fussing at the Girl Child for not being as good at the game as he is (not that, frankly, he's so very great) are NOT helping the headache situation at all, so I'm going to go make some hot, sweet, decaffeinated tea of some sort -- possibly mint, although maybe not -- and go back to bed. And book.

Her Two Dads

This was a sweet story; I really enjoyed it. I loved that Sri went through the "new parent panic" stage (we -- parents -- have all been there, but with a bit more preparation than he had) but that he had his friend Jaime by his side supporting his choices throughout. (*Note: Jaime is the son of Mexican immigrants to the US; I vaguely recall the correct pronunciation of his name from HS Spanish classes but couldn't get it to gel in my mind. Purely my own fault.)
Sri's friend Jill used Sri's sperm to get pregnant when she could feel her biological clock ticking with no husband on the cards. Sadly, she dies in childbirth, leaving her daughter alone in the world. Unexpectedly (they had agreed that his name would not be a part of the proceedings), she has named Sri as the father to the hospital. He originally plans to give her up for adoption, but is unable to do so once he's seen and held her. (I'm just glad there was no family waiting in the wings to adopt whose hearts were broken.) Sri is a gay man who shares his condo with two other men: Jaime, who has been living there for three years or so, and Nathaniel, who hasn't been there as long and is in med school. Jaime comes from a large, tightly-knit family and has admitted to having kind of a crush on Sri, although neither of them has acted on their feelings of attraction in deference to preserving a good homeowner-tenant relationship. With the addition of little Sophie, Nathaniel leaves, and they decide not to acquire a third roommate so as to free up a bedroom for the baby; but splitting child-care causes them to grow closer emotionally.
Eventually, they acknowledge their feelings for each other and set about developing a relationship deeper and more lasting than friends and roommates. This is derailed when Child Protective Services is called on an (unfounded) abuse charge -- based, apparently, on the fact that Sri and Jaime are gay. Sri panics, Jaime withdraws; they are forced to communicate to fix things (but ultimately do. C'mon, you knew there'd be a happily ever after.)
There's a wedding, a family dinner, a date or two...definitely a feel-good story, and Sophie's a little charmer (I just wish my kids had been more like her -- I love them, but...even-tempered they were NOT.)
Things I wasn't so crazy about:
 -- Several times, Sri mentions Jill as having been his best friend, and yet aside from mentioning her as Sophie's biological mother, he seems to have no contact with the end of her life (he doesn't go to the funeral, nothing.)
 -- Even though Sri had not planned to be a significant part of Sophie's life, Jill seemed to have nothing set in place to care for her daughter in the case of her (Jill's) death or injury. It would have seemed logical for her to name him as the guardian, but he would, presumably, have been informed of that at some point.
 -- Frankly, the guys had it really easy. I don't know anyone whose babies were as calm and stress-free and illness-free as Sophie. I get that they had a lot to deal with, between CPS, work, estrangement from family, and whatnot...but still.

Life sucks

And it's freaking *stressful* too! I hate, sometimes, that I'm a SAHM, because it can be very isolating, especially when you really don't have a lot of money for getting out and doing things. And it's even more so once the kids are in school, because they used to be the excuse for getting out. Wed morning? Storytime at the library! I'd like to get a job, but...let's be honest. With 8 years under my belt as a SAHM, I have no current references and no workplace skills (Heck, I can't even *remember* my last three places of employment, much less names of managers. Some of them aren't even in business any more.) And without a full formal education behind me, the only thing I'm really qualified for is minimum wage service industry employment. There's not a lot of that available around here, and what there is, is dependent upon having a very flexible schedule, which I don't because...well, I have three kids. I have to be home at 5:30 in the morning when the Hubby leaves for work (which means no overnight shifts) and at minimum wage, after-school care will eat up my paycheck. So, I shall have stress over money most months of the year, and juggle bills, and hope we can manage a half-way decent Christmas this year. *fingers crossed*

Life, Love and Lemon Cookies

This is a sequel to Love's Evolution (which, according to Amazon, was first published in print in Nov 2006; so it's been a few years...Matt and Chris have married and settled in to their relationship when a fire destroys The Falls, the Asheville, NC, restaurant where Chris has been head chef for 15 years. The owner chooses not to rebuild, leaving all the employees searching for work. The stress of being unemployed and overqualified in a poor economy makes Chris depressed, and strains his relationship with Matt. However, with a lot of love and understanding, they eventually make it through until finally Chris has a brainstorm that fixes everything.

I really enjoyed Love's Evolution, so I was happy to get this further peek into Chris and Matt's life. I love that they're still very much the same: Chris still worries a bit about Matt's health, even four years after a snowboarding accident landed him in the hospital with some pretty bad injuries. And Matt still understands that the kitchen and baking are Chris's safe place, the place he retreats to to think things through and lick his wounds. They can make space for each other, and still be supportive of each other, and even when they're fighting, the love shines through.

Ally does a great job of capturing the stresses that this kind of catastrophic loss of identity can cause (after all, Chris is left with essentially nothing to show for the past 15 years of his professional life) and the strain that can put on a relationship. Matt is loving and generous with himself in his attempts to help Chris get past this, but at the same time, he doesn't let Chris walk all over him in his anger at the way life is turning out. Granted, sometimes things come out that maybe shouldn't, or at the wrong time, but that's the way things go sometimes. And ultimately, it's an argument that brings everything to a head and leads to the solution to Chris's crisis of self-faith.

The thing I didn't like about this book? Something that bugs me about all of Samhain's pubs. The last 10 pages or so are blurbs and excerpts for two other books. The ePub file logged in, according to my eReader, at 60 pages, but the story was over before page 45. I don't mind the author bio and list of her other work, and I wouldn't mind a list of other stuff released in the same month, but the excerpts? It's a bit too much, especially for such a short story. Between all that and the cover/title/dedication, etc., fully a third of the file is non-story. Also, the excerpts are frustrating because if one catches my eye, but I can't immediately write it down or wishlist it, it can disappear into my library for ages, unless and until I either re-read the story or start just skipping straight to the end of Samhain books looking for a specific blurb. So I could live without that...

A few things I'm confident of (about myself)...

1. I can read -- quickly and comprehensively (although I'm struggling with how to teach the Oldest Child how to do the same. She reads quickly, she just doesn't absorb anything.)

2. I can proofread.

3. I can spell. It helps to do it on paper (or typing) but I can do it out loud, too.

4. I can bake bread from scratch.

5. I can cook real food, too. Nothing super-fancy, but Tasty, Simple and Filling.

6. I can write one HELL of a research paper. (Or, I used to be able to, at any rate. It's been a couple of years.)



...and a few things I'm less confident about.

1. I can't see pictures in my brain. Only words.

2. I'm bad with numbers and dates (surprisingly, however, there are certain areas of math where I seem to excel while having Not the Slightest CLUE what I'm doing.)

3. I would *love* to write fiction, but I'm scared it's not my forte, and I have a hard time getting myself started.

4. I have no willpower when it comes to exercise. I'm good at (mostly) watching my eating, but exercise requires external motivation. And a buddy.

5. Insomnia.

6. I'm not so fulfilled by the whole SAHM thing, but...I don't know that I'd really want to have an honest-to-goodness job, either. At least, not a traditional one. And I would still want to be home when the kids are.