Hello, Internet!

I am me, and I am proud!

I've been pondering and musing a lot lately (I have time for this, what with having to sit and supervise homework for an hour or more every day). And what I have been thinking about is myself. Sometimes it's hard for me to put into words all the things I think about me, but the one thing that keeps coming up is how much I *want* to love this elusive "ME" and how much I don't love her. And how far away she seems sometimes.

I'm not really sure who "ME" is, most of the time. I've never really been, to be completely honest. I've looked for her from time to time, with varying levels of success, but she's never really been...there. Just kind of hovers in the background, but won't let herself be caught (rather like a nervous, not-quite-feral cat. Maybe that's why I identify with felines so strongly.)

But the topic keeps coming up in my mind, and occasionally on blogs or Twitter or Facebook, and so I keep thinking about it (and always when I don't have the computer handy to write down my thoughts. So I keep forgetting key points. Or not forgetting, just...misplacing.)'

There are things I want to do with myself, for myself...and the only thing holding me back is me. If I were determined, I could work around the kids-and-husband issues (although the single-car, no-money part may be more difficult) and find a job or a school. I choose whether or not I exercise, how I (and the rest of the family) eat (they eat better than I do.) I choose what I read and watch on TV -- no apologies for any of that. When "smarter" stuff than romance appeals to me, that's what I read. If I feel the need for a preponderance of escapist material these days, who are you to judge?

I have let others control my life too much. I have let *circumstances* control my life too much. I let my guilt and external expectations curb my naturally sunny nature. I'm lucky, I suppose, in that I haven't exactly reached a point where complete strangers feel the need to comment on my life, the books I read, the things I say on here...I expect it will probably come eventually; I can't continue in this sterile state of limbo forever. I hope I'll be ready for it when it happens (but I equally hope I'll be able to deal if it *doesn't* -- there's always, I suppose, the possibility no one will ever discover me here in this little corner of the internet.) One day, I may even be brave enough to deliberately put myself out there in front of others.

You'll be the first to know.