Parental Failure/disowning your child

OK, so I guess this is technically kindasorta part 2 of "Why I Booted My SIL Off My Facebook." Last one was the healthcare, this is about parenting. The picture I shared on my FB was a rainbow background with the words "I don't understand why people think that having a gay child means they failed as a parent. Disowning your child means you failed as a parent." My SIL had this to say (paraphrased, as I deleted her comment and didn't exactly memorize it) "1. Feeling like a failure is not the same as disowning a child. 2. If a parent invests a lot of time and effort in raising their kids to be Christians, and those kids grow up and convert to Islam, don't you think they would feel justified in feeling like they failed as parents?" 

So...

1. Nobody said that feeling like a failure as a parent is the same thing as disowning a child. The statement is that choosing to disown your child is a failure. Let's start with a very basic premise here: as a parent, I believe my children deserve my unconditional love. I don't have to like them a whole lot, or even be happy with them all the time, but I always, always, no matter what LOVE them. I do not put conditions on that love. I don't say, "I'll always love you, but only as long as you're straight." or "I'll always love you as long as you only fall in love with someone of a similar ethnicity." When you disown your child, you are saying, in effect, "You no longer deserve my love, because you did something I don't agree with." You don't have to agree with your child's choices. You do have to love them, even when you disagree with them. 

2. This one is WAY more difficult for me. In the first place, I believe you CANNOT compare religion and sexual orientation. One is born into you, the other you are born into. I do not choose to be attracted only to men. In fact, I have been emotionally involved with women before -- and, to an extent, physically. I did not deliberately set out thinking, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool to experiment with chicks AND dudes? How many people do you think I shock like that?" I had reactions -- physical and emotional -- to women and I tried to see if there was something long-term there. Just like I had similar reactions to guys and tried to see if there was potential there. Ultimately, I ended up with a guy, and part of that is that we were both stupid and I ended up pregnant, but as it turns out, we're, generally speaking, pretty damn good together. Or at least as good together as one could reasonably hope to be with another person.

Religion...well, religion -- and specifically Christianity -- has failed significantly to meet my emotional, spiritual needs on several occasions. I no longer believe in the institution, although I have many wonderful friends who have found apparently equally wonderful churches that are woman-inclusive, LGBT-inclusive...people-inclusive. That's wonderful for them. I have a hard time believing I'm going to find the same openness here where I live, and frankly, my heart and soul are too tired and bruised to try to find out. So I'm opting out of organized religion. That doesn't mean I'm not still trying to bring my children up with those "Christian" values -- love, generosity, forgiveness, honesty. You know, the same basic human decencies that ALL religions, at their most basic levels, espouse. 

So, honestly? Once my kids are a bit older, we'll start discussing things like belief, and the structures and systems of various religions. I'll encourage them to read, and think, and explore. And if, in the end, they find that there is a religion or even just a specific church that resonates with them, that makes them feel secure and transcendant, and like they've finally come home, then I will simply be happy for them. I will not judge them. I will not caution them, unless it seems cult-like, or fanatical. In that case, I will remind them that, if they lose their good feeling, I will always be here and loving them and ready to scale mountains and slay dragons on their behalf, like the unconditionally loving mother I am. Yep, even if it's Islam. I know some truly lovely, gentle, wonderful people who just happen to have been raised Muslim. 

And if my girl brings home another woman, or one (or both) of my boys another man? 

I shall hope it's someone wonderful, someone deserving of one of my amazing children. 

And I will love.

Fiercely.

And unconditionally.

And if that person my child brings home has been disowned by their parents for being gay, well...welcome to the family, dear one. We are so very glad to have you here.

Universal Healthcare Vs Homeless in my House

Yesterday, I had to make a (not really so tough, ultimately) decision. I decided to block one of my sisters-in-law from making comments on my FB. I decided that MY Facebook page is MY playground, and I want to post things regarding my personal political/religious beliefs, my reading material, whatever, without getting attacked by my in-laws' narrow beliefs. For the record, if any of my family start doing the same thing, I'll block THEM, too, but probably not without explaining to them WHY first. Also I'll be very disappointed, because while it's something I expect from my in-laws, it's not from my family. Yes, I knew they were this way when I married my husband. No, he's not like that -- or at least, if I don't wholly agree with his politics, I don't wholly disagree with them. My biggest problem w/ this SIL is that she's a particularly rabid Born-Again.

Anyway... Reason The First why I dropped my SIL: I shared a photo about Universal Health Care, stating that Health Care is a Human Right. She responded by asking what right anyone had to expect others to fund their healthcare through taxes, and further went on to ask how I'd feel if a homeless person were to decided that s/he liked my house and proceeded to move in.

I didn't respond on FB because, again, MY playground. I don't want to stress on my playground. 

So I'll respond here.

I believe that everyone should have access to basic health care. I'm not talking about elective care, I'm talking about the right to not be in a position to have to decide between groceries/water/electricity or medical care for a relatively minor illness -- or a major one, for that matter. I have been in that position before, and especially when we're talking about parents of small children, that is WRONG. Yesterday, my daughter finished a course of ear drops for a minor ear infection. If we did  not have health care through my husband's job as a soldier, I would have had to put off seeing a doctor until it became a major, we-have-to-go-to-the-ER, "Is she going to lose her hearing?" ear infection. I have read blog posts, comments on blog posts, and articles written by people who have gone from the US to countries with truly universal health care, and people who have come to the US from countries with universal health care. Unilaterally, they prefer the level of care that they receive under universal health care. Removing profit from health leads to overall healthier populations. And my understanding is that it doesn't significantly impact taxes. And every single person has EXACTLY THE SAME benefits. So the idea that one segment of the population would be "forced" to "pay for" another segment's health care is rather ridiculous. (Oh, and let's not even get in to the other social services most 1st World countries provide as a matter of course -- like child care, parental leave after birth of a child, financial support for mothers... I'll just point you to this blog post: "How I Lost My Fear of Universal Health Care" )

And regarding the totally ridiculous idea of the homeless person just taking up residence in my house? It may interest you to know, SIL, that, yeah, in fact, I would probably invite them to spend some time on the sofa bed while working toward finding themselves their own housing. If I could, I would take in foster kids and homeless kids -- especially the LGBTQ youth who've lost their homes because their parents cannot accept them the way they are. It may even surprise you to know that I donate to food banks and shelters whenever I can. I have even donated to fundraisers for people I don't personally know so that they can afford meds or rent or whatever when life has just screwed them the fuck over. I can't do a lot, but I can do something, and what I can do, I do. 

Next up, her rant conflating parents disowning kids for being gay with parents who feel like failures if their kids convert to a different religion. 

99 THINGS...

I love these types of memes -- don't judge me! I love answering silly random questions, and I love finding out others' answers to those same questions. Therefor, without further ado:

01. WHAT IS THE CRAZIEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE?

Probably all of it – but particularly I was very open to new experience my year away at Hollins

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?

They’re ALL my walls, haha! Purses & hats, mostly, but also necklaces & pictures by my kids (in the bedroom).

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?

I’ve been told I snore a little bit (but there’s no proof.) And I do clench my teeth.

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?

Everything – mostly. Not rap. And not much country.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?

It’s somewhere around, but I don’ t know off the top of my head.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?

A break from being Mom.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?

My babies being actual babies.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?

My Pyrex bowls. I know. I am weird.

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?

5'8”

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?

yes

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?

Not so much.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?

My kids. However much I love them, sometimes they’re just TOO MUCH.

13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?

Hubby not coming home.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?

The actual details aren’t that important. I’ve dated dark hair, blond hair, brown eyes, blue eyes…

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?

LOLOL!

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?

Ummm… ew?

17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?

Pesto, broccoli, and tomatoes.

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Kinda in the mood for a brownie sundae, actually.

19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?

A really rich, deep, dark purple. Like Eggplant.

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?

No.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?

Jewelry from my grandmother.

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?

No *shifty eyes* OK, maybe.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?

no

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?

Don’t really have one.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:

 A number from one to a hundred:

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?

gingers

32. FAVORITE QUOTE?

I came expecting a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.

33. FAVORITE PLACE?

Jekyll Island, GA

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?

Briefly, on a boat, at Niagara Falls

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?

Chocolate and books

36. MEET ANYONE FAMOUS?

Yes

37. FIRST JOB?

Waiting tables at The Roberts House in Wise, VA.

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?

no

39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOUL MATE?

yes

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?

Wandering the internet

41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?

Not really.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?

My parenting.

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?

No

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

I don’t know yet. Not till April

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?

I already have 3; no more, please!

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

No one; just a name my mom liked (as far as I know).

47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?

poor hygiene

48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE(D) ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL

My friends, once I found them, were AWESOME.

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?

I like herbal scents, like green tea and rosemary.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

Yes, it looks sort of like my mom’s, but mostly like my grandpa’s; with just a touch of my dad.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Cracked black pepper turkey. Or pastrami. :D

52. ANY BAD HABITS?

Plenty. I hate to clean. I occasionally buy books that I lose interest in before I read. I give books back to Goodwill with their original Goodwill price tags still on them…

53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?

Sometimes

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Probably, yeah.

55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?

nope

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?

Matter for what?

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?

I clean. It’s what I do when I’m sad, too.

58. WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS.

Lose. I’m trying; I really am (whether you believe it or not).

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?

My teddy bear. He’s still around somewhere.

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?

I really have no idea, and no intention of going to look it up.

62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?

No, I’m from the He-Man and She-Ra generation.

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?

Noooo. /sarcasm

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?

Mac ‘n’ cheese

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?

humor!

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?

Don't really have any, unless you count “Mom”

67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?

 I don’t want a superpower. I want the packing spell Merlin used in Disney’s “The Sword in the Stone.”

68. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOWS?

Big Bang Theory. And Castle. And Bones. Everything else is hit or miss.

69. WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?

Ignore them.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?

Chocolate fudge brownie

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?

Yes

72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?

In whatever room I want it; it’s a laptop.

73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?

Watching The Muppet Movie with my kids; maybe a bath after if it’s not too late.

74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?

I like my little house (but would like to do something about the bathrooms; they’re not so great.)

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?

Ummm… kinda, yeah. I’m nosy.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?

The Muppet Movie

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?

Chocolate milk

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

Mom

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?

Hands

80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?

Read

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?

Small-mindedness (particularly bigotry and homophobia)

82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?

spring

83. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?

Dark chocolate. Sometimes Sour Patch Kids. And Spree.

84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?

yes

85. HAIR COLOR?

I have hair color, yes. Right now it’s mostly brown. With a bit of a red tint to it.

86. EYE COLOR?

Blue, leaning toward grey on occasion.

87. SHOE SIZE?

Anything from 9-1/2 to 11 depending on brand and style.

88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD?

Sonic (but the local place doesn’t do Pickle-Os any more; *booo*)

89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?

Gyros & Subs :D

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?

No

91. WATCH TV TODAY?

Just the movie that’s currently on.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?

Thanksgiving

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?

Flute, some. One semester of piano in college. And ages ago, a year of cello

94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?

I don’t align myself with a party usually; my vote depends on who is most in line with my own ideals, or against whoever scares me the most.

95. KISSES OR HUGS?

Hugs.

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?

relationships

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT

Groceries.

98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE

I am. I’m maybe not as good at certain parts of it as I could be, but I mostly enjoy it.

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?

Between books, at the moment. Considering a comfort re-read.

Fated Mates, And Why I'm SO GLAD Not To Have One

I don't really know what I'm doing here anymore -- I come over here sometimes to rant and/or ramble, but there's no real sense to it; just whatever's rattling around in my brain. I've read plenty here lately, but none of it has really moved me to write anything about what I've read. I've started series and then lost steam between books because they're emotionally draining and I need time but time disrupts the impetus to keep going, or sometimes because they just infuriate me for some reason...

Actually, that's something to write about. The ones that infuriate me.

There's one series in particular that's driving me absolutely batshit-crazy right now. Which is awful because there are some things I really like about it, but this one issue is hair-ripping, wall-banging, why-do-I-do-this-to-myself frustrating...and yet I keep on going.

I've skipped about -- I've read 1, 2, and 6 of a so-far 7 book paranormal series.

I believe in Love (or Friendship) At First Sight. I believe in Insta-Lust.

I have even been able to buy several stories with Fated Mates.

But this series?

OMG.

Just.

OMG

See, the problem I have with this is very simple -- every great romance needs a conflict of some sort to overcome. With Fated Mates, there's a temptation (which this particular series seems to be taking to extremes) to make those mates absolutely perfect for each other in every way -- it's like their feelings slide on WD-40 until they encounter some external immovable object, usually the objection of some well-meaning friend or family member.

I mean, really. NO personality clashes. No "you said X and I thought you meant Y but you really meant Z" misunderstandings. Nobody stops and says, "Hey, this is all moving, like, WAY fast. Does that seem weird to you?" No "Ummm....dude. I'm not sure I even LIKE you and you're already talking about moving in? Back the F*CK off." Come to that, they never don't like each other. They don't disagree.

It's a perfect little utopian love-nest, and, quite frankly, it SICKENS me.

C'mon...this is not how Real Life goes! People are raised differently, have different personalities and expectations that lead them to misunderstand and clash and disagree! There are bad relationships that make trusting right off the bat like that damn near impossible. There are speed bumps and ingrained attitudes. There are bad habits that have grown unnoticed until all of a sudden you're living with someone else and they're icked out by your habit of leaving your underwear all over the living room while you're skeeved by the way they drink their milk like it's the consistency of pudding.

The thing is, it's learning to live with these little quirks, by working their way through the conflicts and attitudes and issues, that make these characters into full people. These road-blocks to happiness are the ones that allow them to open their eyes to their own oddities and defects and flaws, and help them grow and mature and become someone we all want to be friends with. If the conflict is coming from outside, they can just tell each other "You're perfect the way you are!" Then they confront the offending soul, who either apologizes or is "defeated" some other way, and Our Happy Couple gets to go on their way without having done anything more drastic than cut some poor random drama queen out of their lives. And if they were irritatingly smug and perfect before? Just WAIT till you see how obnoxious they get when you add the overdose of saccharine-sweet!

I know reading -- and, perhaps especially, reading romance -- is all about the fantasy. But I want a fantasy I can relate to. I want to see someone ready half a dozen times a day to throw in the towel, just to be reminded by a simple gesture WHY they're together. I want a couple who can navigate the tricky waters of being together. I want my fantasy to show me that there's hope in the challenge of merging two diverse lives, and that, when two people really want it, they CAN learn to change themselves just a little bit.

Because otherwise? Well, Hubby and I probably should have divorced at LEAST once a year since we got married. But we keep trying, because I believe that ultimately, we are that fantasy couple from the previous paragraph.

Saturday 9: Whatever Gets You Thru the Night

Saturday 9: Whatever Gets You Thru the Night

1. What helps you get through the night?  Romance novels. Sounds corny, perhaps, but on those nights where I have no reserves left, romance gives me a place to escape where I can *know* that things are gonna work out right in the end.

2. Do you ALWAYS keep an open mind?  I try. I may not always be as successful as I'd like, but I always try.

3. Who is the wisest person you know?  Sometimes, my 7YO son. Sometimes my mom. 

4. Who is the strongest person you know?  I have a friend who left an abusive husband, despite all the people telling her she shouldn't because "He's in the ARMY, he's a HERO, he couldn't possibly be bad!" She had two small kids, one with severe health issues. She put herself through college. I know how hard that all was because I was there with her, on the phone, for hours every day as she agonized over her choices, as she dealt with her toddler's health issues and an infant on top of that, as she worked with divorce lawyers and was shunned by people she'd grown up with for daring to not want to be married to a man who was emotionally and verbally abusive just because he was taking a paycheck from the department of defense. She's the strongest person I know.

5. How would we tell by your behavior if you are having a bad day?  If I'm cleaning like a crazy person, you should probably keep your distance (someone might want to clue my hubby in on this one!)

6. Does your ego sometimes get in your way?  I don't know. I think my shyness definitely does. 

7. Do you believe in Zen? If yes, can it be mastered?  I do and I don't. I don't thing that anyone can truly master anything. 

8. Do you believe you could teach someone, like your child, to be competitive?  I think that it's possible for children to learn to be competitive. Whether or not my children will learn it from me? I don't know. Maybe in parcheesi.

9. Do you believe home is not a place but rather a state of mind?  I think there can be elements of both. I feel that sense of HOME in my parents' house, in my own house, in my grandfather's nursing home, and most especially when I'm with my husband. I can't, in some instances, separate the place from the memories it evokes within me.

Love is Blind

So I will almost never post about religion on here. It's one of those sensitive topics. I grew up in a couple of pretty Southern towns, with all that implies about religion, and so, yeah, I started church at a pretty young age, and kept it up for quite a while. We went to different churches over the years, depending on where we lived -- mostly Baptist, but at least once Methodist and Presbyterian. I visited a great-aunt once who took me to Catholic Mass, and I've been to a Lutheran service or two (mostly babysitting). Oh, and we flirted with Unitarian Universalists for a few years while I was in HS, but that was a kind of DIY thing with a bunch of my mom's colleagues from the college where she teaches, so, y'know... kinda probably not at ALL how they really normally do things.

Anyway, truthfully, I'm not sure this is going to be about religion, anyway. Maybe spirituality, perhaps. Definitely LOVE. Religion? Maybe not so much.

See, when I was a kid, I thought (like, I'm sure, many right along with me) that the saying "Love is blind" meant that when you really, truly love with someone you're blind to their faults.

As an adult, and a parent, I can now see how very truly BAD that can be -- it seems like so many parents are trying to prove they love their kids by being blind to those kids' faults, willfully ignoring anything that doesn't fit into the little box they've created of what a perfect, adorable, lovable little ANGEL they've managed, somehow, to spawn.

So I'm not religious, but I am spiritual, and I've kind of latched onto God as being kind of a nice, amorphous, all-encompassing way to express that feeling of a power greater than myself that wraps itself around and into and through everything.

Anyway, the point I was wanting to get at way up there about "Love is blind" is that I've changed my mind. I don't think the blindness of Love is blindness to faults. I think it's blindness to externals. It's like a geometry theorem -- something I always struggled with in school, but I think I get in Real Life. If Love is Blind and God is Love, then God is Blind. But by definition, if God is Good then God cannot be blind to our faults. God can be blind to age, race, religion, disability, orientation, class, Mensa status -- but not those impulses that drive us to hurt ourselves, our fellow humans, the animals we share our homes with...

I'm not sure I believe in a separation of Good and Evil in the same way I believe in a separation of Church and State. I believe that sometimes things grow looking find on the outside that are less than fine on the inside. And there may be nothing we can do about that. All we can strive for is to be the example of the best things we want for our children, our families, our friends, ourselves.

There's more but it's divergent, and it's late.

The rest can shake around and hopefully bear some fruit in my poor noggin for another day.