Parental Failure/disowning your child

OK, so I guess this is technically kindasorta part 2 of "Why I Booted My SIL Off My Facebook." Last one was the healthcare, this is about parenting. The picture I shared on my FB was a rainbow background with the words "I don't understand why people think that having a gay child means they failed as a parent. Disowning your child means you failed as a parent." My SIL had this to say (paraphrased, as I deleted her comment and didn't exactly memorize it) "1. Feeling like a failure is not the same as disowning a child. 2. If a parent invests a lot of time and effort in raising their kids to be Christians, and those kids grow up and convert to Islam, don't you think they would feel justified in feeling like they failed as parents?" 

So...

1. Nobody said that feeling like a failure as a parent is the same thing as disowning a child. The statement is that choosing to disown your child is a failure. Let's start with a very basic premise here: as a parent, I believe my children deserve my unconditional love. I don't have to like them a whole lot, or even be happy with them all the time, but I always, always, no matter what LOVE them. I do not put conditions on that love. I don't say, "I'll always love you, but only as long as you're straight." or "I'll always love you as long as you only fall in love with someone of a similar ethnicity." When you disown your child, you are saying, in effect, "You no longer deserve my love, because you did something I don't agree with." You don't have to agree with your child's choices. You do have to love them, even when you disagree with them. 

2. This one is WAY more difficult for me. In the first place, I believe you CANNOT compare religion and sexual orientation. One is born into you, the other you are born into. I do not choose to be attracted only to men. In fact, I have been emotionally involved with women before -- and, to an extent, physically. I did not deliberately set out thinking, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool to experiment with chicks AND dudes? How many people do you think I shock like that?" I had reactions -- physical and emotional -- to women and I tried to see if there was something long-term there. Just like I had similar reactions to guys and tried to see if there was potential there. Ultimately, I ended up with a guy, and part of that is that we were both stupid and I ended up pregnant, but as it turns out, we're, generally speaking, pretty damn good together. Or at least as good together as one could reasonably hope to be with another person.

Religion...well, religion -- and specifically Christianity -- has failed significantly to meet my emotional, spiritual needs on several occasions. I no longer believe in the institution, although I have many wonderful friends who have found apparently equally wonderful churches that are woman-inclusive, LGBT-inclusive...people-inclusive. That's wonderful for them. I have a hard time believing I'm going to find the same openness here where I live, and frankly, my heart and soul are too tired and bruised to try to find out. So I'm opting out of organized religion. That doesn't mean I'm not still trying to bring my children up with those "Christian" values -- love, generosity, forgiveness, honesty. You know, the same basic human decencies that ALL religions, at their most basic levels, espouse. 

So, honestly? Once my kids are a bit older, we'll start discussing things like belief, and the structures and systems of various religions. I'll encourage them to read, and think, and explore. And if, in the end, they find that there is a religion or even just a specific church that resonates with them, that makes them feel secure and transcendant, and like they've finally come home, then I will simply be happy for them. I will not judge them. I will not caution them, unless it seems cult-like, or fanatical. In that case, I will remind them that, if they lose their good feeling, I will always be here and loving them and ready to scale mountains and slay dragons on their behalf, like the unconditionally loving mother I am. Yep, even if it's Islam. I know some truly lovely, gentle, wonderful people who just happen to have been raised Muslim. 

And if my girl brings home another woman, or one (or both) of my boys another man? 

I shall hope it's someone wonderful, someone deserving of one of my amazing children. 

And I will love.

Fiercely.

And unconditionally.

And if that person my child brings home has been disowned by their parents for being gay, well...welcome to the family, dear one. We are so very glad to have you here.