Sieve-for-Brains

I actually had something I wanted to say on here.

I can't remember it now...




Anyway, mostly I've been doing my thing (looking at pictures & gifs & videos of primarily hockey players) on tumblr.

I'm not making much progress in doing things that need doing; I need to start setting timers even more than alarms, I think. & maybe when we have medical insurance again, I should see about figuring out what the hell it is that keeps me so tired & unmotivated all the time. It's kinda getting old; I'm done with feeling mentally foggy all the time.

I'm trying to get back into the habit of yoga every day. I may have to start letting the kids practice with me; otherwise I won't have time till midnight every night (starting Friday they have a WHOLE WEEK off school, then they only have about 3-4 more weeks before the super-long winter break (which is at least a month long).

I dunno, it feels like I had something of substance to say, but I can't think what it is, still.

Laundry and reading...

I have been remiss....

... I have been letting this blog languish. In my defense, there's been a lot going on. One of these days I may update on that. For right now, I'll just say I've been spending a lot of time on Tumblr loving hockey. & on the rare occasion I have a thought that requires more than 140 characters, it's generally not that long & it's easier just to slam it out really quickly on Tumblr.

But I will figure something out & get back to this, I promise! For the whole, what, 3 of you reading?

Gender Roles in my Life

I just read an interesting blog entry on gender propaganda in toy stores, not the first such article I've read, but this one really got me to think a bit more than usual about specifics of gender roles as they're presented to kids and even adults, and how they actually play out in my life. The bit that got me thinking was the last couple of sentences of the first paragraph: "The underlying point all the irrational statements have in common is one foundational core that its advocates desperately want to “protect”.  That point is that men and women hold mutually exclusive roles in the family and neither of those roles can or should be filled by a member of the opposite gender."

So, I started thinking about those roles that are seen as "typically male" or "typically female," and while I don't consider myself either particularly feminine or particularly "tomboyish" (the only acceptable descriptive word for an ostensibly straight, non-girly female, apparently), I will admit that in plenty of ways, I fit more of a "typically female" role in my life.

Typically (or really, stereotypically) "female" stuff I do:
 -cook
-clean
-pop out kids
-read
-watch romantic comedies (i.e., "chick flicks")
-wear bras & occasionally skirts
-paint my toenails
-oversee homework 
-shop

Stereotypically "male" stuff I don't do:
-mow the yard
-vehicle maintenance
-grilling
-play video games
-watch horror movies

The thing is, the things I do, we have very good reasons for why I do them. I am the one who is home regularly and frequently, so I get to be in charge of the everyday things. Considering DH is on the road driving a truck for 5-12 days at a time, it would be very difficult for him to actually cook, clean, shop, or oversee homework on a regular basis. There is NO OTHER REASON why he could not, were he equally geographically present, take over any of these chores. And the things I don't do? Well, I have to do all the day-to-day stuff, so we discussed it and decided that the occasional stuff, like lawn care and vehicle maintenance, were going to be his prerogative. He grills because he wants to, but he can also cook on the stove, and he in fact enjoys doing so every once in a while to give me a break. As for the video games and movies? Well, I'm just not coordinated enough for video games, and I don't enjoy horror movies, so why would I want to watch them? 

But let's really look at those lists, shall we? Aside from popping out kids, there is NOTHING on either of those lists that a man couldn't do as well as a woman, or vice versa. And let's be honest. We all know plenty of women who've given birth but are the farthest thing from a loving, competent parent. Some of them are even smart enough to admit it, and don't try to parent their children; others leave their kids permanently damaged because they've bought in to this ideology that as women, we're inherently ideal parents.

I know plenty of men who love to cook, maintain FAR cleaner households than mine, enjoy shopping far more than I do (I'm really not very good at browsing anywhere but kitchen stores and book stores), and probably enjoy skirts, bras, and nail polish more than I. My husband has even been known to laugh at a rom-com with me, because humor and love are not exclusive to the X chromosome.

As for the "male" stuff -- I know women who are better at car stuff than my husband (he's pretty decent but he's not a mechanic and he's ok with that). I know women who love to grill, women who enjoy mowing the yard, and women who play video games and watch horror movies. The only thing my husband has done that none of them would be able to do is produce sperm with which to get me pregnant.

I have tried not to confine my kids by gender roles in their play or their chores. If the boys choose to play with dinosaurs or trucks, and my daughter prefers Barbies, that's what they like. They all have access to the same toys, the same sports equipment, the same games and movies. My boys dust shelves, read books almost obsessively, fold laundry, sweep floors. My daughter picks up sticks from the yard so Daddy can mow. She goes hunting and fishing. 

The only "gender roles" that are predetermined by the body are reproductive, and there are ways around that. There are ways beyond adoption for a couple -- or an individual -- to have a baby without one of them getting pregnant, or donating sperm, or even having sex at all with another person. There are people who choose not to do so, for medical or personal reasons, or just because it never happens. There are ways to prevent it happening at all (of course, this is Frowned Upon by those same people who are so desperately trying to fit us into gender roles). 

The harder we try to force ourselves or others into ill-fitting boxes, the more we try to shoehorn into a prepackaged "acceptable normality," the harder it is to make them fit. The world has so many new opportunities, and the only ones putting "Boy" and "Girl" labels on them are ourselves -- a mountain doesn't care if the person standing at the top is XX or XY or any of the possible variants, or even if you identify with your particular combination, or whatever. 

Also: a few "Boy Things" that I do better than my husband? Science. Math. And I kill my own spiders.

True Confessions of a SAHM: Glee and me

I know it's a weird time for this. Glee is heading into its...ummm...3rd? 4th? 5th season? Something like that. I don't know. And one of its stars, Corey Monteith, OD'd a couple of months ago.

But for some reason I started watching the first season the other day (thanks, I think, Amazon?)

I am HATING myself for this. Not because I'm not a soap opera type, but just because it's, frankly, obnoxious.

The only characters I feel any ability to sympathize with are Sue Sylvester's sister, Kurt's dad, and Finn's mom.

That's it.

The others are ALL irritating. I didn't have time for people like that when I was in high school.

The worst part is that the final episode of the season is the only one in which any of the characters seem to have shown any actual genuine character growth, and from having caught bits and pieces of other seasons, I really think it's NOT actually genuine.

UGH.

Just... UGH.

Anyway... the reason I'm watching?

The music. I love so much of the music. Except for Gaga & Madonna (but I kind of like Madonna, a little, at least her earlier stuff).

So, there you have it. Crap show, great music. I like the lessons they're trying to impart, but... I don't really think they're actually *doing* it. I really don't.

Just sayin'.

Series review: Campus Cravings by Carol Lynne

I have had a really HUGELY hard time with figuring out things like how to rate these books, individually and as a series, and how to explain that. It seems like the people I actually know who have read them loved them, and I know that Carol is kind of a Mover and a Shaker in the M/M Romance community, but at the same time... I just had so many *issues* with these books!

I will be honest that some of the problems no doubt came from the fact that I pretty much read almost the entire series all at once over the course of about 3-4 days. There are 17 stories in the series; I lack only the last two. I have acquired them slowly over the course of a couple of years and read them originally as I acquired them, without going back to reread the series first. So things that would have been less problematic for me individually wore on me when they were coming at me en masse.

So... On Goodreads, I rated all the books at 3 stars, which is my "problematic" rating (I'm going to link back here from the first book, Coach, rather than post an individual review for each book, because I don't want to write that many reviews. We'll just consolidate All The Things right here.) "Problematic" rating, for me, means that there was enough that I loved about the book that I'm liable to want to read it again some time (in this case, it's a fluffy-light reread; they're all novella-ish/longer short story length) but it had enough issues that pulled me out of the story to keep me from being able to whole-heartedly give it a better rating. And to be clear, probably 85% of my issues were things that could've been easily cleared up by a half-way competent editor -- they were in no way related to plot/characterization/general storytelling ability. So really, I guess 85% of this is "Really? I thought this was supposed to be a Professionally Published story!"

So, let's get right to it. As I frequently do, I'm going to bullet list a lot of stuff of the "This Really Bugged Me" variety.

• A lot of the formatting was crazy-frustrating. There were times where POV or time of day or whatever would change, and there would just be no indication. No breaks, just maybe a new paragraph; meanwhile, there would be an entire blank expanse with nothing but the book title (a complete page, according to my reader) between chapters. It would definitely pull me out of the story.
• LOTS of misused apostrophes -- "the kid's are coming over," "the car's were zooming past," and the like (not actual examples, just the *kind* of misuse). Or places where they should have been but weren't -- "That is Coaches car," "the cat's drank Georges milk." (Again, not actually from the books.)
• Homophone abuse, particularly and frequently your/you're -- "Are you going to finish you're dinner? Your going to be late."
• Some more random "Spell-check Has Issues" words: shoe-in (shoo-in), shear ecstasy (sheer ecstasy), "the damn just broke" (dam), passed/past, desert/dessert, throws/throes (direct quote-ish -- several times characters were in the "throws of ecstasy." Just No.)
• File under "How long has it been since you were in college?" -- when a character who is a student is having a Final Exam during a regular class period. Not just "was lucky enough to get an exam period scheduled for the normal start time of that class," but actually a Regular Class Period. And we're talking the kind of test that should probably take a fair bit of time more than the 35 min the character took to finish -- there should have been several essay questions, at least; it's That Sort of Class. I mean, FINAL Exam. Not midterm. FINAL. There should be a LOT of ground to cover.
• Continuity Is A Thing: Char is in a car accident. Love interest witnesses; has to pry open passenger side door to get to Char b/c driver's side door is a mangled wreck. Later, at hospital, someone (who was at the scene) says something along the lines of "Well, these kinds of injuries happen when you're thrown from a vehicle." 
• Continuity Is A Thing 2: in one book, a char describes his parents as "Mom is black, but Dad is white." In another book, he says "Both my parents are black." Granted, he's blind, & of mixed ethnicity, but still...Author As God needs him to think he's African-American, therefore we must ignore previous statement.
• Things I just Can't Explain: Blind character is reading brail. My spell-check doesn't even accept that as a word. It is Braille. With the capital letter. Every time. Because it is a proper noun.
• Random punctuation issues: Sentences that sound like questions punctuated with periods. (What, do you have some sort of quota you're not allowed to exceed?) Ditto with commas; they're in random places where they shouldn't be and aren't in places where they should. I'm a little extra-aware of that right now, because my kids are back in school and they're bringing home their language arts homework and the third-grader is learning all about proper sentence structure. And, frankly, most of the sentences in these books would fail ALL THE THINGS in my third-grader's text book.
• I get that the publisher (Total E-Bound) is based in the UK, but... as much as British authors (rightly) complain about having their British-set books "Americanized" in spelling/slang, the reverse holds true in some ways with this series -- words like centre, paycheque, & others litter it, throwing me off since the books are all set in freaking IDAHO. 
• Lack of female characters -- to me, it seems VERY odd that a series of stories mostly set on a college campus would have only roughly a half-dozen female characters. Of those, only a handful appear actually "on-screen," as it were, and of those, one is wholly unsympathetic, one is rather disappointingly weak in her personal narcissism, one is literally not completely sane, and one is a quintessential, almost stereotypical "Mother" type.

Let's try to end this on an up note: 

• Despite the shortness of these stories, they had clearly defined beginnings, middles, and ends, so that, even if a conflict wasn't completely resolved, it was clearly well on its way (although there were a couple that I felt ended prematurely in a way that felt like the author had reached Maximum Word Count and had to cram in the last little bit).
• There were some satisfyingly realistic "Life Issues" to cope with -- several characters entered into some fairly serious therapy to deal with their pasts, there's blindness, one major character has a stroke & has some fairly bad reactions to being confined to a wheelchair -- and not too much (but some) Magic Sex Cure-All.
• Characters didn't just pop up out of nowhere right before they got their story, then disappear completely afterward. There's a nice over-arcing story of a group of friends and coworkers, and they grow organically to welcome in new members, and to keep the friendships growing and developing.
• Even though many of the characters are jocks, there's a whole range of characters -- it's not just All White-Boy Football Players, All The Time. There's a certain amount of racial/ethnic diversity. Not a lot, perhaps not as much as there could have been, but there is some. There are also guys with other ambitions besides sports. 

I really did, overall, enjoy the stories and the characters, enough that I may someday buy the last two books in the series. I think it's a shame that Total E-Bound didn't seem to take enough pride in their product to make sure that it would at least pass a third-grade text book test, though. However, that's a quibble against the publisher, not the author.

True Confessions of a SAHM: My Youngest and ADD

I'll be honest here: I've just about researched myself out on this subject, but what's problematic for me right now is the school system. My youngest is 8, and last year he was diagnosed officially with ADD. He doesn't have the Hyperactivity part that is so often associated, and he seems (according to the doctor who diagnosed him, for whatever that's worth) to only have a mild case. And the only meds she could offer me are designed to treat the hyperactivity part of the equation, so for now we're trying to go the non-medicated route.

There are SO MANY PROBLEMS with this, that I'm torn about whether or not this is the right choice to make. The two big problems at the root of it all are school and therapy.

There are maybe four therapists locally who treat kids w/ ADHD who accept our insurance. NONE of them are able to help us. I have called all of them, and talked to them, and visited them, and all of them say they have no therapies that might help VelcroBoy's focus, but they have lots of things they can do for hyperactivity, but ONLY if he's on meds for it. But why would he be on meds or therapy for hyperactivity when he's not hyperactive?

As for the school... Well, let's start with the teachers. Every year, I have had a discussion with his teacher before the start of the school year. This year it was very simple. "VelcroBoy was diagnosed with ADD last year. He doesn't have the hyperactivity portion, just the attention deficit. He is not currently on meds (with the explanation of the bit about WHY he's not on meds)." I explain a bit about problems he's had in classrooms in the past, problems we have at home with homework, a few strategies that have helped in the past. Teacher says, "OK, I've had ADHD kids in my classroom before; we'll work together and it'll be fine." Less than a full week into the school year and the teacher is somehow baffled by my kid exhibiting the EXACT SAME ISSUES I explained to her about! Really, did you think I was making it up? Exaggerating? WHAT? Yes, I'm a SAHM. No, I'm not an idiot. I am capable of evaluating my kid's issues and warning you and YOU are the one who chose to ignore what I had to say.

As for the school as a whole... the best they have to offer, given budget restraints, is that they might be able to come up with a paraprofessional to work with him one-on-one for about 20 minutes a day. Which might, maybe, be enough to get him through ONE classroom assignment per day. But other than that, they don't really have any resources or budget for anything else. And the rest of the local system is in just as "dire straits." The nearest private school is a church school that doesn't have a good reputation academically, and the nearest school that might possibly help him is in Savannah. Which I can't exactly afford -- even if, by some accident of God, it were possible to get him fully scholarshiped, I couldn't afford the gas to drive there and back, plus the after school care DinoBoy would need.

Anyway, I know that medication seems to really help some kids -- and their parents. I'm not judging anybody who chooses that route; we all have to make the decision that works for us. I just don't think it's the appropriate response for my kid. But I'm also feeling like I'm being steamrollered into it by the sheer lack of any other option available to me.

And it doesn't help that every time VelcroBoy has to do something that makes him unhappy, and nearly everything that is not what he wants to do makes him unhappy, he develops a mysterious tummyache or headache or other minor ailment that never comes to anything...

*sigh* I don't know. Am I doing the right thing? Is it time to start thinking about medication? Do I need to look harder for therapies? I just feel lost and helpless about this.

I Read a Book Today...

I know, right? The truth is I've read at least a book a day, if not more (if they're short & fluffy) for a long time now. But this one was so.... Yeah.

It really needs a write-up, if only to try desperately to straighten out the confusion in my head. Several sessions of fine-tooth-combing the sections involved didn't help clear up a few timeline issues I was having. And the worst part? The first time I read this was several years ago, so this is an older reread for me. I don't remember noticing these problems the first time through. I must have changed and grown or something...

Anyway, the book:

Causing Havoc by Lori Foster

Blurb (from author's website): Sexy, sculpted extreme fighter Dean “Havoc” Connor has knee-melting good looks-and thick skin. But not from his brutal sport’s enclosed rings. Orphaned and torn from his sisters as a boy, he has no family. That is, until he gets a letter revealing how much the once-little girls want him back in Harmony, Kentucky.

To stop his sister from marrying a man as sleazy as he is wealthy, Dean finds himself teaming up with her pretty-but-smart-mouthed friend Eve — who’s heard of “Havoc’s” reputation and doesn’t need some hunk trampling on her heart. Now all Dean has to do is protect his sisters, win Eve over, and expose a devious criminal.

And he thought winning the heavyweight cage fighting belt was hard.

Now, me... and it will be behind a cut, because... Here there be spoilers, yo!

Busy Mama!

With the DH in Miami (still!) it has been a daily struggle to find stuff to keep the kids happy while still getting the house cleaned, and spending the minimum of money. And, y'know. Staying sane myself.

One thing that really really helps is that the boys have a friend who lives just a half a block (y'know, give or take) away. 5 houses to the corner, turn left. Three lots up, turn right. Down 4-ish more houses, and we're there! His dad works from home doing customer service (it's not a dream! But I don't think I would be a good candidate; I'm the type to want to organize sock drawers...) so the kids can pretty much be at either place -- here or there -- & it's all good. They usually choose there, because "there" includes a POOL. Not an in-ground pool, but still a pretty decent one. Apparently, the 2/3 of the Barbarian Horde who go down there are in and out of the pool so much it's not worth the effort to send them with dry clothes. Or towels. & I'm ok with that.

The other thing, that I sadly didn't discover early enough in the summer (I'll know better next year!) is that one of the big theatre chains (I want to say Regal, but I am not absolutely positive) does older movies on Tues/Thurs for $1. I don't have the full list, but this summer they've done all the Harry Potter movies in one auditorium & in another they've had something animated for smaller kids -- we saw Pirates: Band of Misfits last week; this week was Rise of the Guardians, and next week is Hotel Transylvania. It's been fun. Popcorn & drinks are $1.50 each, so we can do the whole theater experience for $4 each. Which, with 3 or 4 kids tagging along, is a HUGE BARGAIN. So.

Rise of the Guardians

Honestly, I thought this was a pretty decent movie. The animation was impressive & I liked the storyline a lot. It wasn't too much for my kids, and I think they took the mild lesson to heart -- belief can be a powerful thing, and fear is a shadow in the face of joy and wonder. Anyway, the very best part was watching my kids' faces as they watched -- VelcroBoy in particular has a very expressive countenance. 

So for now, I'm cleaning because I have a friend who's in the area visiting for a couple of days and, while they probably won't actually come to my house, it's as good an excuse for getting some stuff finally done as any... :D

ADD, Calvin (and Hobbes), Math, Nincompoopery, and Hockey

This is the kind of thing that happens to me when folding laundry with my kids...

VelcroBoy: "I hate folding my clean laundry."

Me: "Me, too. That's why I taught you how to do your own, so I don't have to do it for you."

VB: *sighs* "Mommy?"

Me: "Yep?"

VB: "How do you spell 'nincompoop'?"

Me: "N-I-N-C-O-M-P-O-O-P"

VB: "Ok, I was just checking. Mommy, what's a nincompoop? Is it like Calvin or like Hobbes?"

Me: "Well, it's sort of being ridiculous*, or maybe unreliable."

VB: "So, like Calvin, then. He's always messing up."

Me: "Well, I usually think of it as more unreliable and not able to do stuff. Calvin isn't unable to do stuff, he just gets bored and distracted."

VB: "So, it's kind of like he has ADD, too?!" He sounded so excited, like here was his role model, like it's OK to be distracted, because, HEY! It happens to Calvin, too, and everybody loves Calvin, so he's going to be like Calvin and that's *awesome*!

*note: I just looked up the dictionary definition of nincompoop; it is a "silly, ridiculous, or foolish person."

So we talk a little about his ADD, and how he gets distracted in school, but it doesn't mean that he's stupid or bad or anything like that. I tell him that ALL little kids his age tend to get distracted; ADD just means that it's that much harder for him to get back on track and stay there than it is for some other kids, especially when it's something that he's not interested in, like math, or that's boring, like writing stuff over and over again. Then there's a little talk about whether or not we can someday move to someplace like where Calvin and Hobbes live, with lots of snow and hills and trees, and I have to explain that a) I will never live that far north because I'm anti-snow, and b) about the real estate market and that we can't afford the loss we'd take on the house if we tried to sell it right now. Which prompted this:

VB: "I want a job that makes large money!"

Me: "Ok, so what did you have in mind?"

VB: "I could play hockey! Do hockey players make a lot of money?"

Me: "Well, yeah, kind of, but only if they're really good."

VB: "Then, I want to be as good as Sidney Crosby."

So we have a little talk about how Sidney Crosby has been skating and playing hockey practically as long as he's been able to walk, and VelcroBoy hasn't had that same advantage so he's not likely to be good on quite that same level. Which leads to a cry of "But I don't like MATH!" from VelcroBoy.

Me: "Well, you know, there's other jobs, too. Like, you like to do science stuff; you might want to be a scientist when you're older. And you'll have to know a LOT of math for that. And really, you need math to play hockey, too. You need to use a little math to figure out where the puck is going when you shoot it, and whose path it's going to intersect. And you'll want to be able to make sure that you're getting paid correctly, or that whoever you have taking care of your paycheck is doing their job correctly so you don't get cheated."

VB: "I guess I'll HAVE to learn that kind of math, then." *rolls eyes, sighs* *leaves to take laundry to his room*

Me: "Yup, and to do that, you need to learn what they're teaching you in school right now, too!"

All is quiet for a few moments, then...

VB: "Mommy, what's a paycheck?"

Funny, where their little minds drift off to.

Diversity

I'm not naming names, but someone close to me has been posting stuff about immigration recently on Facebook -- stuff like "Like and Share this picture if you don't want to be forced to learn a second language to accommodate illegal immigrants." You know the stuff I mean, I'm sure.

This saddens me, really a lot for several reasons: first, no one is being "forced" to learn a second language in order to "accommodate" anyone. There are several very good and valid reasons, some of them solely about the way our brains create neural pathways, for learning a second language. We are a member of a global society; not everyone we are ever going to interact with speaks only English or even halfway decent English (although my understanding is that it's becoming more and more common a second language in other countries). And if we were in fact being forced to learn a second language for the sake of others, surely there would be a standard language that was the only second language available to learn (maybe varying regionally?) Not to mention many fields of study's jargons can be almost like having to learn a completely different language (have you ever asked or been asked "Once more, in English this time, please?").

Chinese dragon

SO.

My biggest reason why stuff like this saddens me is that it seems to want to homogenize our nation. Setting aside the question of the legality of the immigrants speaking other languages -- we have no way of knowing, just from looking at someone, if they're legal or not; language is hardly a clue. They may very well be able to speak and understand English but choose not to on what they consider home ground, or may have trouble with it for one reason or another.

One of the things I find most fascinating and compelling about the United States is all the little pockets of foreign culture that pockmark the country. You can, in some cases, literally cross a street and be immersed in a completely different way of life: different styles of architecture and decoration, dress, food...and language is a vital and integral part of that. How much less magical would Chinatown be if all the shopkeepers and passersby and customers spoke in unaccented, textbook, workaday American English? What nuances would be lost?

Taste of Greece 2012 -- Chicago (from: Greektown Chicago)

This country was built, as it is now, on immigration, and for many many years there were few if any restrictions. The people who came here came searching for something that was not available to them in their home countries: freedom to make their own choices, freedom from religious persecution, jobs...are we now to turn others away from the search for those same things? I get that we can't support the entire world. There are people here who are still looking for work, who are persecuted for their religious beliefs, even, ironically, those who use their religious beliefs as grounds to persecute others. And there were people harmed -- harmed DEEPLY -- by the way European settlers went about creating nations on these continents. We're not perfect. But it seems to me hypocritical in the extreme to on one hand proclaim what a great country we are, and on the other, attempt to deny all the things which made us.

Irish step dancers (from Savannah Irish Festival)

More thinking-out-loud about girly parts and sexual content of books and what doesn't bother me.

We seem to have a new kerfuffle which is really just an old kerfuffle revisited around the community in which I read and interact. We'll just call it the OMGLADYBITS!! problem and move on from there.

I'm just going to make a brief rebuttal of some things that were said on a site which shall be nameless (if for some reason you don't know but want to, email or something and I'll tell you but you will probably be all head-asplodey) and which I have since removed from my blog feed because really? I don't need that shit in my life right now, and anyway, as a review site it was becoming less and less relevant to my actual INTERESTS, y'know, because of how books that I thought sucked donkeywater were given highest accolades and books that I thought were funny/cute/interesting/otherwise pushed some boundaries in an opening-up-the-mind kind of way were dismissed as lame/trite/blah/whatthefuckever.

ANYway.

I read. I read a LOT of stuff, yeah, some "Literary Fiction" and some nonfiction, and mystery and science fiction and fantasy and and and... yeah. Most of what I read, though, is romance. Or one of the other things with strong romantic elements.

People like to put things in boxes.

Boxes are OK, sometimes. I mean, I like to have a box (basket, drawer, whatevs) to keep my cheeses separate from my eggs separate from my condiments in my fridge. I have a nice little box in the pantry which I keep full of approved snack items for my kids where they can reach, and I have another nice little box out of their reach where I keep the "Only Occasionally" treats. I have a box for the kitty litter, because, let's be honest, you *don't* want that just spreading out all over the floor.

You know what I don't put in boxes? Books.

Piles, yes. Shelves, naturally. Randomly stuck down the side of the couch so I can pick it right back up in the morning? Oh, HELLS yeah. Boxes, though? Not so much. Only when we're moving. Or I'm mailing them to someone. For a while, I kept some in a box under my bed, but then I decided I wasn't ashamed of it, I just didn't want my 7YO boy reading b/c Holy Inappropriate, Batman! So I put all that stuff on the bottom shelf of the bookcase in my bedroom where no one but my mom and my sister ever look, and they're grown-ups and if they go poking and get shocked, SO NOT MY PROBLEM.

Also, do you know what paper books don't have that a lot of ebooks (especially from small presses) do? Warning labels. To me, that's like the Darwin Awards-worthy labels on push mowers warning the user not to pick it up & try to use it to trim the hedges. I mean, really. They should all say "Warning: Thoughts Ahead. Make Sure Mind Open, Or Put Down NOW."

So, when I read romance, I don't go into it with any expectations, beyond the expectations of a minimum of typos. And that I will be entertained (unless I'm reading for some reason other than entertainment. Even then, entertainment is a plus). And if I'm reading a romance written within the last 20 or so years, I do generally expect sex. Particularly if it's an erotic romance, when I expect LOTS of sex. Hopefully well-written sex, but I will settle for cliche and throbbing parts and excessive dampness. The point is, though, I don't look for a particular TYPE of sex. I'll take girl parts, boy parts, alien parts... in whatever combinations and numbers. I've never been "blindsided" by menages, or het sex in a gay romance, or gay/lesbian/trans* sex in a het romance. In fact, one of the reasons I gravitated AWAY from het romance is that it has been feeling too confining. There's a formula for sex, and a formula for characters, and a formula for story. I hoped by moving over toward more of a LGBTQ-friendly reading space, I would come across different types of relationships, characters who didn't fall into the same old stereotypes, new takes on old tropes...

For the most part, I've found that. There's been less of the -LBTQ than of the G-, granted, but I'm digging a little deeper and seeing more. I'm seeing more interracial romances, some May-Decembers where the balance of power is a bit different. I'm even seeing more babies -- with fewer Plot Moppets, although still plenty of those -- which I love (side note: I've seen some people despairing that some of their favorite series are moving toward the baby-crazy, despite being m/m pairings. I'm all like, YES PLEASE MORE OF THAT! because you don't have to be ovaried to believe "Families should grow, not shrink." (quote from Strawberries for Dessert by the lovely Marie Sexton).

So, dear authors who might accidentally read this, Give me girly bits along with the man-sex! I'll read it! The only place I demand to know what to expect sexually is the space where I'm sharing said sexual content with my very own husband in our very own bed. I don't object to warnings about dubious consent because my enjoyment of that is dubious, at best, but I also don't refuse to read it. And I only DNF if I can't actually connect with characters or plot -- some of those stories would probably have been improved by more sex! Give me variety! Give me interesting people doing interesting things! (It doesn't have to be save-the-world interesting; I'm a homebody, so domestic weirdness interests me.)

And, hey, if I ever run across ACTUAL heterosexual intercourse in a romance with gay male protagonists, maybe I'll be shocked enough to actually review it!

This is me just running my mind, so bear with...

I think the biggest political issue, in the US, right now is what we might call the "threat to the status quo." For many, many years the people making all the decisions were men of similar educational/religious/financial background, with similar values and desires, and they were mostly legislating from those values and desires, without considering the values and desires of others (because, let's be honest, we only really notice other people's when they come into conflict with our own, and if the other person has no power behind them, they don't come into conflict with us.)

So we've got the Old White Guy majority in the political arena, and all of a sudden people of different background start Getting Ideas!

Women's Rights!

Segregation!

Now it's voting and immigration and gays, all at once, and the Old White Guys have been bleeding from a million tiny cuts and they're determined to hang on to their political majority (even if it's largely contrived and they're clinging by their fingernails to the edge of the cliff). They're losing, and they know they're losing, but they're not ready to lose yet, so as more cuts come, they are trying to close up some of the old ones.

That's why abortion and reproductive issues are back in the spotlight, and why every legislative "focus group" is comprised of older men with a religious background that opposes anything that puts a hold on procreation.

In the backs of their minds, they're thinking "We gave you this, and we thought we were done with you and now you're back, wanting MORE, so in return you're going to have to give this back to us."

It may take us a few more years yet, but eventually, it will become apparent that there are more of US than there are of THEM, and even some of them are becoming disillusioned. Once you've seen the vocal minority as a group of people, with thoughts and feelings and opinions, it's difficult to unsee that. I think the problem I have with the Old White Guys is that they tend to look at women, children -- really, anyone Not Like Them -- as intellectually like a sort of superior (by which I mean "with opposable thumbs and therefor capable of following more sophisticated direction) domesticated animal, rather than as individuals with the ability to reason and consider and question and, y'know, have Free Will (but that's a rant for another place and time, honestly). 

Which is why I think homophobia IS, in fact, a fear -- a ridiculous one, perhaps, but not necessarily unreasonable. The Rainbow Flag (and all its allies) stand to acquire a fair amount of power, and when they do, they will be prying it from the hands of the Old White Guys who just want to maintain the status quo. And once they lose that power, it's GONE, and many of them will have nothing left, because if they can't have political power, what's the rest of it all FOR, after all...

Giant....sex?

Oh, dear. It's just no good.

I'm in the middle of a reread of the Harry Potter books (including a rewatch of all the movies) because DinoBoy (the 9YO) started reading them, and...

Well, I mean, I *knew* Hagrid was half-Giant, since the first time I read...whichever book it was. Goblet of Fire? Anyway...

It's just that now, for some reason, it's occurred to me to actually, y'know... think about that. You know. Giant sex. Or, rather, HALF Giant sex.

Or, well, to be completely accurate, Human + Giant sex.

So, yeah.

Giants are, on average, in the Potter-verse, around 20 feet tall, right? And the average human between 5'6" and 6', depending on whether they're male or female, which is still, at best, just over 1/3 the size.

SO, yeah.

I mean, the idea of a human male with a Giant female is a bit... well. Rather like a terrier humping a Rottweiler, honestly.

However, a male Giant with whatever human? What kind of a size queen would you have to BE???

(So, yeah, apparently my imagination is even more twisted than *I* gave it credit for being.

Also, I am NOT going to Google Giant sex. I am not, I am not, I am NOT!)

Edible Flower Gardening?

It's no secret to my friends that I can be a bit...weird, and even hobbyist sometimes. I get on these weird hobbyhorses and ride them straight into the ground. Sometimes I let them recover for a few years and hop right back on. Right now, I'm being maybe a tiny bit obsessive about gardens. Odd because I'm not really an outdoors-y type, but, well, I like flowers and I like fresh vegetables, and the bugs and dirt and sunburns are kind of a necessary part of all that. So.

A couple of years back, my husband got me a couple of bare root roses for a birthday present -- one a climber called Zephirine Drouhin, the other a... I don't know. Hybrid tea? Floribunda? Grandiflora? Not a clue, but I do know she's named "Sweetness." Lovely, delicately pale purple blossoms, lemony fragrance. & Zephirine has some very very PINK blossoms and a gorgeous fragrance. Anyway. After several years of judicious pruning, Zephirine is an explosion of blossoms this year, so I've been wondering what to do with the petals -- our climate is such that I've gotten 2-3 or sometimes 4 blooming periods from my roses.

So I started looking into things like rosewater. Rosewater is a great thing for cosmetic use, but it's also used as flavor in recipes (like for delicate clear soups, for pastries, etc.). Of course, for either use, you want to use rose petals that are free of pesticides, and the only way to truly control that is by growing your own. The two methods of creating rosewater are to create a small stovetop still (which is actually pretty cool; gonna try that sometime!) or to steep rose petals in boiling water, rather like making tea. The steeping version requires rather less volume of fresh petals, although you can also use dried; but I really REALLY want to try the still, which means kind of a lot of petals. Which means more roses. Therefore... I've been researching methods of propagation.

SO, this year, I am going to be trying a couple of different methods of propagation. If one of them works for me, I may use it on my mom's roses; I've wanted to do that for years because they're lovely -- a white and a red -- but I've never really tried to figure out HOW. Additionally, I'm considering learning how to preserve the rose petals by drying so that I can use them in the future (or, y'know... make a sachet to throw in my lingerie drawer).

Part of my rambling through Teh Interwebz landed me on a list of edible flowers, so now I'm also kind of taken with the idea of planting my flower garden full of edible blossoms -- marigold, nasturtium, pansy, etc. -- and other edibles -- sunflowers might be nice, along with herbs and a few veggies. The biggest problems are that in the already semi-cleared garden section in front of the house there seems to be an underground nest of wasps which must be removed (in an ecologically sound way so that I can plant edibles there) and the fact that I'm going to have to dig up more yard. And probably there will be soil amendment necessary, as well.

Gonna be a task!

(Also, eventually, there will be pictures!)

Religion and Reading and a LOT of Rambling

So, I was chatting with a friend over Twitter about religion -- specifically regarding interpretation of the Bible/Torah/Your Holy Book of Choice -- and how that can damage people. And then I read an article somewhere about the movie (or TV miniseries? I don't know) called The Bible, wherein Satan was deliberately portrayed as Barack Obama (which just disgusts me on levels I don't feel up to getting into here and now) and THAT article discussed the whitewashing of the Bible in terms of artistic portrayals -- Jesus is Westernized as a very toned, pale-skinned, nearly-blonde man, instead of the medium- to dark-skinned Middle Eastern Jew he actually was. [ETA: here is the article] And then TODAY, I was chatting briefly with someone else about some of the defining books of our teens -- books like Good Omens, by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series by Douglas Adams -- and when it's appropriate to start indoctrinating my little Minions by reading them aloud at bedtime. My oldest, the Girl-child, at Very Nearly 13, is probably old enough to read them on her own, but sometimes I have difficulties getting her to actually, y'know, ACCEPT my suggestions. The boys are 7 and 9, and I think they *might* be a little young, but DinoBoy, the elder of the two, is pretty precocious and sophisticated in some ways, so I could be wrong about him. And I think he might enjoy some of the humor, even if he won't get a lot of the references for years yet, if ever.

And we mentioned, in passing, on Twitter, that we're only just now, as adults, starting to realize the number of those references and subtleties that we missed as kids, and how much deeper and richer certain narratives are when approached from this new, grown-up perspective.

So this little ramble today is probably going to be about those things -- books, particularly the ones I read as a teenager for the first time; how they affected me then; how they affect me now that I'm starting to share them more and more with my own kids; and, of course, though to a lesser extent, religion.

I think there are actually a LOT of books that I read in my teens which affected me profoundly then, but which I continue to be amazed and enthralled by (in new and exciting ways!) now that I'm an adult -- and more pertinently, perhaps, now that I'm married and a parent. Because I can't deny that those two things probably have more to do with the new sight than simple age. Just a few of those books, offhand, are the Anne of Green Gables series, Little Women, Good Omens, Hitchhiker's Guide, and most of Mercedes Lackey. I don't think I'm going to touch on ALL of them here today; it's been a while since I've read some of them, and I'm not too clear on some of the details, but suffice it to say that between Louisa May Alcott, Lucy Maud Montgomery, and the combination of Pratchett and Gaiman, I had *quite* a religious awakening as a teen.

I mean, I'd had a basic religious "education" as a kid. We went reasonably regularly to a surprisingly non-judgmental Baptist church in TN until I was 10, where I was completely miserable because I just could not make friends with any of the other kids in the youth group. I suspected then, and still do, that it was (as it sometimes still continues to be) the fact that I not only read, but I asked questions about what I read. And I expected logical, consistent answers, which religion is usually hard-pressed to provide. When I was 10, we moved to Ohio. We stopped going to church regularly, but when we did it was to services at a nearby Presbyterian church, and that was when I fell in love with the more formal service, and the music of religion, but still, most of the logic managed to elude me. At 12, we moved to a small town outside of Atlanta, and the nearest church was another Baptist Church -- a HUGE one, comparatively -- where the pastor preached about the Evils of Women in the Work Place, and about tithing. This went over like a lead weight with us, because at the time, my mom was the sole earner. A year later, we moved again, to Virginia, where my parents still live, and, again, had a bad Baptist experience, at which point, my parents pretty much gave up. They figured we had the basics of how to behave as socially responsible, polite little people, and the rest would work itself out on its own. And Mom made sure to leave various books lying around for our education and amusement.

So, Faith (of the kind that can, theoretically move mountains) wasn't exactly a high priority, nor was it mashed and stuffed down our throat like some kind of baby food for the toothless. We were given a basic road map, and the tools to navigate, and allowed to find our own way there, or not. And honestly, a lot of what passes for my faith was built on the backs of Anne Shirley and the March girls. They had what now seems like a simplistic but logical view based largely on the tenet "Do Unto Others" and they still struggled with that, in a way that I struggled with it. But they really tried to simply be kind to others, generous with those in need, and honest and non-judgmental with themselves and others. The "Thou Shalt Not" stuff was rarely, if ever, an issue, and, while I know it's probably more a sign of their times than a deliberate event, things like women bringing in a paycheck were not looked down on. Yes, there was a bit of racism/bigotry in some attitudes, and some classism, but those tended to be confined to the group of "older and set in their ways," rather than condoned by the characters the stories were really about.

However, I had issues with religion as it was presented to me in Real Life, particularly relating to things like the Old Testament's attitudes toward anything and everything, and how nobody seemed really interested in the Love & Kindness stuff unless it was directed toward them personally, and I really had trouble reconciling the omniscient/omnipotent God with the whole Garden of Eden and Fall of Lucifer, as well as the whole issue of free will, who has it, who doesn't, and why on Earth we would be told it was a huge gift from God in one breath while the next breath told us not to question what we were being told. There were just too many contradictions for me in all of that, and then World History started getting into the evolution of religion in the Western world, and there was fracturing and schisms and latching on to established Holy/Ritualistic/Spiritual days and just... I was spinning.

And then, my best friend and I were at the library together (as you do) and she handed me this book: hardback, black cover with white writing, nattily-suited angel and devil. "This is the funniest, smartest book I've ever read. You'll love it, I promise. I mean, listen to this list of characters!" and I was hooked when she got to the bit about Crowley: An angel who didn't so much fall as saunter vaguely downward.

So I read it. And read it again. And a third time, just to be sure. And it addressed -- and seemed to be just as bewildered by -- many of the same issues that had been bothering me, in that nebulous, can't-really-put-my-finger-on-it way, with humor and gentleness and sometimes harshness and... I was completely blown away. It wasn't me -- or wasn't JUST me. Some of this stuff didn't really make any sense!

And then, I passed it on to my mom, who also loved it. And my brother and sister...

And now, I've finally been able to reconcile my spiritual side with my skeptical side. Religion is all about interpretation, and doing the best you can. You can choose to believe blindly, thoughtlessly, the interpretation of others, or you can exercise free will and choose your own interpretation. I think the most important -- the ONLY important -- part of the Bible or any other religious work that I've studied (however cursorily) boils down to what we call the Golden Rule: "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You."

In the end, if there is a God, I think I will be judged based on my intentions, not my slavish adherence to another's need to Be In Charge and Tell Others What To Do. I think He'll be a more generous judge than many "more religious" people seem to believe.

And if there's not? Well, by that point maybe I won't be aware. But either way, I'll have the personal satisfaction of know that I'm trying, as hard as I can, to be kind, generous, honest, loving, and non-judgmental.

What more can we really ask?

Roe v Wade

I just wanna post this here, because, honestly, I can't say what I want to say in Twitter's character limit, and I don't think that the bulk of my FB "audience" would be appreciative (scary how many uber-conservative friends I have -- they're otherwise decent people, but. Just. Scary.)

SO anyway, earlier today, my mom shared this link on FB: Lizz Winstead on Roe v Wade. She included this personal bit along with it:

The first person i ever knew who had an abortion was a 17 year old, older sister of a friend of mine. She performed it on herself, in the bathroom of her parent's home, using her mother's vacuum cleaner. She almost died. We all need to remember that the goal of the anti-choice crowd is to ensure that girls like her bleed out on the bathroom floor. Roe v. Wade did not make abortion possible-every woman with access to a vacuum cleaner or a coat hanger can perform an abortion on herself. The point of Roe v. Wade was to make it safe.

I can't really argue with any of it.

Women's physical safety and mental health are at stake. I can, in fact, kind of imagine what kind of desperation this young woman my mother knew must have felt. I managed to get pregnant just months into a brand-new relationship with a guy 11 years my senior, and, yeah, when I knew, I was pretty panicked! And I was 20, by then; I had a job, and I was pretty sure that my family would support me no matter what happened between me & the daddy, or whatever decision I made regarding the baby. As it turns out, we're still together, some 13 years later, but there are so many horrible ways that could have gone. I know just exactly how lucky I was, and am.

There is NO safe way to force your own body to abort in a bathroom... a back alley... any place other than a sterile environment with trained professionals making it happen and overseeing the process. The more restrictions we are weighed down with -- restrictions on when and how we can seek abortions, what we have to go through to get one, restrictions on contraceptives -- only make a DIY job seem more possible. And, frankly, if you're at that point, where that starts to look attractive... well, I can only imagine that you're that much closer to the suicide attempt it may well prove to be.

And now, I've procrastinated FAR too long, and must away, to the never-ending mountain of laundry and dishes.