Ok, so, I've been thinking about something for a little while now. Most of you (heh, who am I kidding? What *most*? There are 5 followers to this blog & one of them is ME! Anyhoo...) know that my hubby is active duty Army, and he's deploying soon to...y'know what? I'm not really sure how much I'm allowed to say, so. We've done Iraq, and we're OUT of Iraq, so it's not there.
Anyway, my point is. The last week or so has been full of FRG (that's Family Readiness Group, for those of you who don't know; it's supposed to be an organization of spouses and family members of deployed soldiers within their battalions/companies/whatever to provide support/info/resources) meetings and informational meetings and whatnot, gearing up for the guys going to NTC (National Training Center) in California for a month. They'll be home for roughly 3 weeks afterward before shipping out for a 9-month deployment.
Almost a week ago, the big thing was the Pre-Deployment Fair, where all the various resource organizations on-post gathered to provide brochures, etc., to soldiers and spouses. 24 tables of tons of pieces of paper. Some of it was info that I already had, and had used. Some of it, I knew about but had never had occasion to use. There were a number of people who were "new" -- had never really done one of these before, didn't know about the resources, whatever. The problem is, they started late & had to finish kind of early, and they wanted everybody to visit everywhere, so there was sort of a bingo-sheet & we were supposed to get every little square for every table marked. This just seemed rushed and stressful to me, especially for me not needing a lot of the info, and, I imagine, for those who DID need it but felt like they had to hurry through so that everyone else could have their turn.
What I was particularly struck by was the number of soldiers who were there unaccompanied. Granted, some of them probably have spouses who were unable to attend for some very good reasons, but I wondered how many of them had SOs who didn't feel welcome or couldn't come for some less good reasons. It's one thing to not show up because you can't get the time off from work, or because you only have 1 vehicle and your spouse couldn't get home in time to pick you up and bring you back. It's something else entirely if you can't get on post because you don't have the proper ID and validation stickers on your vehicle because they're not available to you because you HAVE no marital status allowed on a federal level. It's something else if you can't come because, even though DADT has been repealed, maybe your guy isn't ready to tell the people he works with about you.
That strikes me as unbearably sad, that there might be people living just a few miles from me, in need of some of the services and support that are available to me, that I'm able to choose whether or not to make use of. Since FRG meetings always take place on post, and you have to be either a soldier, a spouse, or a veteran/spouse with post privileges to even really GET on post, that pretty much lets out a whole segment of potential friends/fellow sufferers from even knowing the people who would be able to say, "Hey, I absolutely get what you're going through. I'm here if you need to talk to someone about it." I don't know how I'd cope without those few military spouses I've managed to forge a real friendship with; I really wish I knew how to reach out to the nontraditional families and say "I'm here if you need me."
That's a story I'd love to see -- how someone deals with a deployment when he's left without those resources. Maybe his guy was in the middle of a deployment when DADT was completely repealed, and now he's still not ready to come out. Maybe the one left at home is kind of feeling unsure about their relationship; after all, if he was really important, wouldn't his soldier want to tell *someone* about them, now that he can? How isolating would it be to know that you're entitled to some of this stuff, at least, but not be able to take advantage of it because to ask for it would be to out the one you love without his permission? What if *no one* knows for sure about your relationship; what if all your mutual friends have been led to believe that you're just roommates? (Yeah, sure, at least someone has guessed, but they know as well as you do that they can't just out someone like that.)
And what happens when he comes home...?
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I don't know how to parent my daughter...
Which seems really odd to me. I really just don't know what to do about her. In some ways she's so very much like me it almost hurts and those are things I really really want to nurture (while realizing that they're not necessarily the best behaviors to nurture.) At the same time, she is in many ways so very foreign to me that I just don't know how to reconcile any of it.
In the former category is her love of books. Like me, she'd much rather than anything else stay in her room, preferably in her bed, especially if the option is work of any kind (including playing outside.) This is one of those things that I both love and hate, because...well, who doesn't want to raise a literate, thoughtful, well-read little person? But at the same time, I'm not sure how much she's getting out of her reading, or how thoughtful she actually is. And I *know* that a lot of the time, what she's choosing to read is what's popular with other -- older -- girls, like the Twilight books, which I abhor. And it's hard, at those times, to just sit back and say, "At least she's reading *something.*" I'm not sure how to initiate conversations about something I have such very strongly negative feelings toward, partly because I know I won't help anything by being vitriolic in a conversation with an eleven-year-old. The flip-side, of course, is that, as an adult, I have finally learned the value of exercise and hard work, whether it's chores, a job, or whatever. And I'll admit I'm not perfect (not even near it) on the subject of practicing what I preach, in terms of getting enough exercise. But I'm working on it. And while I'm working on me, I'm working on her, too.
The "girlie-girl" bits I don't know what to do about. I was only very very briefly really into makeup and hair and clothes, and it's only as an adult that I'm starting to be a bit more aware of things like that, but I don't really enjoy them, still. So I have a hard time connecting to her on that level, and again, I don't want my personal vitriol to spill over and affect her vision of herself and the things she loves. And she has some very wonderful qualities that I just can't join into, like loving to watch football and hockey with her Daddy.
But then there are other things -- the Big Taboos like sex and boyfriends and stuff. Things I want to be able to talk with her openly about, because I truly *believe* that it's important to have open, candid conversations about things like this if we hope to break the cultural taboos that say they're Naughty, Dirty, Unworthy things. But my mother wasn't comfortable about tackling these subjects, and that's made it hard for me. Not that I feel uncomfortable about them, exactly; I'm just not sure how to do it. How much information is too much? How much is not enough? How do we talk about it without me sounding like I'm either encouraging experimentation, or, conversely, perpetuating the taboos?
And then, when I'm done with her, how do I do it all over again with her brothers?
I think I need more books. (subject specific would be nice, but at this point, I'd be happy with Just Another Reason To Procrastinate... )
In the former category is her love of books. Like me, she'd much rather than anything else stay in her room, preferably in her bed, especially if the option is work of any kind (including playing outside.) This is one of those things that I both love and hate, because...well, who doesn't want to raise a literate, thoughtful, well-read little person? But at the same time, I'm not sure how much she's getting out of her reading, or how thoughtful she actually is. And I *know* that a lot of the time, what she's choosing to read is what's popular with other -- older -- girls, like the Twilight books, which I abhor. And it's hard, at those times, to just sit back and say, "At least she's reading *something.*" I'm not sure how to initiate conversations about something I have such very strongly negative feelings toward, partly because I know I won't help anything by being vitriolic in a conversation with an eleven-year-old. The flip-side, of course, is that, as an adult, I have finally learned the value of exercise and hard work, whether it's chores, a job, or whatever. And I'll admit I'm not perfect (not even near it) on the subject of practicing what I preach, in terms of getting enough exercise. But I'm working on it. And while I'm working on me, I'm working on her, too.
The "girlie-girl" bits I don't know what to do about. I was only very very briefly really into makeup and hair and clothes, and it's only as an adult that I'm starting to be a bit more aware of things like that, but I don't really enjoy them, still. So I have a hard time connecting to her on that level, and again, I don't want my personal vitriol to spill over and affect her vision of herself and the things she loves. And she has some very wonderful qualities that I just can't join into, like loving to watch football and hockey with her Daddy.
But then there are other things -- the Big Taboos like sex and boyfriends and stuff. Things I want to be able to talk with her openly about, because I truly *believe* that it's important to have open, candid conversations about things like this if we hope to break the cultural taboos that say they're Naughty, Dirty, Unworthy things. But my mother wasn't comfortable about tackling these subjects, and that's made it hard for me. Not that I feel uncomfortable about them, exactly; I'm just not sure how to do it. How much information is too much? How much is not enough? How do we talk about it without me sounding like I'm either encouraging experimentation, or, conversely, perpetuating the taboos?
And then, when I'm done with her, how do I do it all over again with her brothers?
I think I need more books. (subject specific would be nice, but at this point, I'd be happy with Just Another Reason To Procrastinate... )
Friday, January 13, 2012
NOT a Sock Hop -- except in the broadest sense
I think the boys' school missed out on a great opportunity today. All the kids who had met their AR (that's Accelerated Reading -- they read books, take tests & earn points) goal for the last quarter got to attend a "50s Sock Hop" in the gym this afternoon. That's how it was billed on the little flyer that was sent home. Kids were encouraged to dress in 50s-style clothing and come ready to dance. Parents were encouraged to attend & the boys both asked me to go, so... Well, imagine my surprise to find that the music was going to be provided via XBox hooked up to someone's iPod, and rather than just letting the kids dance, they're supposed to be dancing along with the figures being projected on the wall. OK, I can see that, maybe. Except...well, NONE of the music was even remotely from the 50s. They skimmed over a couple of 80s songs (Take On Me, anyone?) but all the rest was extremely current.
I know I can be a bit of a dinosaur about music, but...we're talking about a bunch of K-2nd graders, here. Some of the dance moves and lyrics were not really what I'd consider appropriate for that age group.
I mean, they could even have found some updated covers of 50s songs, I'm sure.
The biggest thing for me, though? If it's supposed to be a 50s sock hop, why the HELL wouldn't you make it into an experience? Play up your theme! Play the music, for goodness sake! Maybe some of these kids will already be familiar with it (mine are...but like I said. I can be a bit of a dinosaur). And if they're not? Whether they like it or not, it's not exactly going to harm their delicate little psyches to be forced, for 45 minutes, to be exposed to a piece of their cultural past.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Self-flagellation is not helpful
I find that sometimes (all too often, in fact) I mentally castigate myself for those things that I see as personal failings. It's like an underlying inner monologue going on All TheTime...
"I should be..."
"I ought to..."
"Why can't I just....?"
The truth is, sometimes some of the things I see as weakness of character or lack of willpower... Aren't. There are some things that, no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be able to change. They're matters of *biology* rather than character; a reaction to things hardwired into brain or body or both, or a response to external stimuli that occurs at an instinctive level.
Yes, I went to bed at a reasonable time, but then stayed up far later than I should have reading rather than sleeping. And this morning, I gave myself hell about it.
But, you know what? I know perfectly well that, had I not been reading, I would have just been lying there, thinking about stuff. Or even about nothing more than "Why am I not sleeping? I *should* be sleeping. I have to get up early in the morning to get the boys to the bus stop on time. I'm tired. So why am I not sleeping? I *should* be sleeping." (Do you see the circle that's forming in the air above my head?)
And I know that it's not my fault. It's not anyone's fault. (Well, maybe I can spread some blame around, but I'm not going to.) I know that it's just my body reacting to things going on around me. Like the fact that my DH is out in the field this week, and still on crutches (well, one crutch, anyway. Which is better than two.) So I'm worried about him overdoing and/or just plain getting hurt and having a healing setback. And I'm not used to not having him in the house, not being held by him for a while before we both drift off...
In the morning, when my alarm goes off, yeah, I'm glad that his didn't wake me up an hour before. But I miss that half-asleep kiss as he leaves for work. Part of me is aware that he's not going to be home for dinner tonight (or will he? Sometimes the return from these little jaunts in the woods is left up in the air...) And I know that, if I crawl into bed early to read for a bit, there are not going to be those noises that signify I'm not the only adult in the house -- the TV or computer, the sounds of someone locking up, talking to the dog and cats, the running of the faucet or opening of the fridge... Nope. It's just me, pretending desperately that I'm ok with it, knowing I'm not -- and knowing it's going to be at least ten times worse next month when he's training in California. And exponentially worse after that, when he deploys to Afghanistan.
Sometimes, we have to stop blaming ourselves, and recognize that it's not our fault. The trick is figuring out when. ('Cause, after all...sometimes it *is*!)
"I should be..."
"I ought to..."
"Why can't I just....?"
The truth is, sometimes some of the things I see as weakness of character or lack of willpower... Aren't. There are some things that, no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be able to change. They're matters of *biology* rather than character; a reaction to things hardwired into brain or body or both, or a response to external stimuli that occurs at an instinctive level.
Yes, I went to bed at a reasonable time, but then stayed up far later than I should have reading rather than sleeping. And this morning, I gave myself hell about it.
But, you know what? I know perfectly well that, had I not been reading, I would have just been lying there, thinking about stuff. Or even about nothing more than "Why am I not sleeping? I *should* be sleeping. I have to get up early in the morning to get the boys to the bus stop on time. I'm tired. So why am I not sleeping? I *should* be sleeping." (Do you see the circle that's forming in the air above my head?)
And I know that it's not my fault. It's not anyone's fault. (Well, maybe I can spread some blame around, but I'm not going to.) I know that it's just my body reacting to things going on around me. Like the fact that my DH is out in the field this week, and still on crutches (well, one crutch, anyway. Which is better than two.) So I'm worried about him overdoing and/or just plain getting hurt and having a healing setback. And I'm not used to not having him in the house, not being held by him for a while before we both drift off...
In the morning, when my alarm goes off, yeah, I'm glad that his didn't wake me up an hour before. But I miss that half-asleep kiss as he leaves for work. Part of me is aware that he's not going to be home for dinner tonight (or will he? Sometimes the return from these little jaunts in the woods is left up in the air...) And I know that, if I crawl into bed early to read for a bit, there are not going to be those noises that signify I'm not the only adult in the house -- the TV or computer, the sounds of someone locking up, talking to the dog and cats, the running of the faucet or opening of the fridge... Nope. It's just me, pretending desperately that I'm ok with it, knowing I'm not -- and knowing it's going to be at least ten times worse next month when he's training in California. And exponentially worse after that, when he deploys to Afghanistan.
Sometimes, we have to stop blaming ourselves, and recognize that it's not our fault. The trick is figuring out when. ('Cause, after all...sometimes it *is*!)
Monday, January 9, 2012
Lost in My Own Head
It just so happens that I have a ton of things percolating around in my brain that need to come out, one way or another. The problem is, at the moment they're all fragmented and mixed up (my brain sometimes makes me think of a really rich soup -- incredible, yummy ingredients in tiny pieces. It's wonderful stuff, of course, but thought-soup is just a mess and not really something you can share with others.) Unfortunately, on the rare occasion when there is cohesiveness to a portion of it, it's always at a *most* inconvenient time: the hubby is busy playing World of Tanks and thus has control of the computer. I'm in the shower, or driving, or elbow-deep in soapy dishwater. I'm trying really *really* hard to get the kids all up and ready for school and down to the school bus without letting my "Not a morning person" show too much. Y'know. Life stuff.
Somehow, none of it ever seems to get really written (or typed) down, and once it's done its little fling with thoughtfulness and Making Sense, it takes a powder (or two...) and it's on to the next variation on Brain Soup. What this means is that I have bloggy things only when I can't blog, and when I can -- well, when I can, I get the Rambling Randoms, like this.
Some things that are happening in my life:
1. I went for a walk with the dog and the Princess. It was a pretty good walk except that the dog pulling on his leash over *everything* (alternating between "Mommy, FRIEND!" and "Mommy, HIDE ME!") rubbed some rawness on my palm and made washing dishes unpleasant afterward. And when we were 2 houses from home, the dogs that live at *that* house got out of their yard & attacked us. This is the second time this has happened. Really, people, if you have one of those underground fence things, and your dogs get out, you really need to rethink what you're doing.
2. We got official word (it's on Facebook & the media) that my husband will be deploying to Afghanistan within the next few months (just in time for my birthday; thanks So Much for that!)
3. This week is going to be all about steam-cleaning the carpet in the living room and rearranging furniture in there, and spraying the back yard for fleas and other creepycritters.
4. DinoBoy got a Treasure Box from his grandparents for Christmas, filled with animal bones, a turtle shell, various minerals, and all he needs to be an Explorer -- flashlight, compass, notebook & pen. I am taking it in for his class to see tomorrow, and I shall eat lunch with him first. I am thinking for Halloween, I need to get him a "safari" type hat, and a khaki shirt, and he can be an archaeologist.
5. I really wish I was talented with the sewing and all, because I think it would be hysterical to dress one of my kids (or my husband) up as a Knight from Monty Python & the Holy Grail. With a little fluffy bunny attached to the throat. Alternatively, dress one up as a knight, one up as Tim the Enchanter, and dress someone up as a fluffy, white, gore-covered bunny. Sadly, I think only about 3 people might actually Get It.
6. In addition to going to Afghanistan soon, this week the DH is in the field. He's still on crutches, so I'm not entirely sure how this is supposed to work. Guess we'll find out, huh? I just hope he manages to not overdo things, and comes home to me in at least as good shape as he's been in lately. *sigh*
7. I have been reading somewhat obsessively lately, but I've been rather a lurker than a joiner over on Goodreads, and haven't been reviewing. And I won't be here. I'll just say that what I've been reading is every Mercedes Lackey I can get my hands on that's set in the same world as Valdemar. I'm not really sure why; someone mentioned the Last Herald-Mage trilogy on a thread somewhere; I dug out my copies, and I was off.
8. I am really disappointed when the library only has books 1 and 3 of a trilogy. It would be one thing if book 2 were simply lost or perpetually checked out, but instead...no. There are no signs it was ever even purchased.
9. Regarding libraries: What is the purpose of an online catalog if it's impossible to access online? I mean, really.
Somehow, none of it ever seems to get really written (or typed) down, and once it's done its little fling with thoughtfulness and Making Sense, it takes a powder (or two...) and it's on to the next variation on Brain Soup. What this means is that I have bloggy things only when I can't blog, and when I can -- well, when I can, I get the Rambling Randoms, like this.
Some things that are happening in my life:
1. I went for a walk with the dog and the Princess. It was a pretty good walk except that the dog pulling on his leash over *everything* (alternating between "Mommy, FRIEND!" and "Mommy, HIDE ME!") rubbed some rawness on my palm and made washing dishes unpleasant afterward. And when we were 2 houses from home, the dogs that live at *that* house got out of their yard & attacked us. This is the second time this has happened. Really, people, if you have one of those underground fence things, and your dogs get out, you really need to rethink what you're doing.
2. We got official word (it's on Facebook & the media) that my husband will be deploying to Afghanistan within the next few months (just in time for my birthday; thanks So Much for that!)
3. This week is going to be all about steam-cleaning the carpet in the living room and rearranging furniture in there, and spraying the back yard for fleas and other creepycritters.
4. DinoBoy got a Treasure Box from his grandparents for Christmas, filled with animal bones, a turtle shell, various minerals, and all he needs to be an Explorer -- flashlight, compass, notebook & pen. I am taking it in for his class to see tomorrow, and I shall eat lunch with him first. I am thinking for Halloween, I need to get him a "safari" type hat, and a khaki shirt, and he can be an archaeologist.
5. I really wish I was talented with the sewing and all, because I think it would be hysterical to dress one of my kids (or my husband) up as a Knight from Monty Python & the Holy Grail. With a little fluffy bunny attached to the throat. Alternatively, dress one up as a knight, one up as Tim the Enchanter, and dress someone up as a fluffy, white, gore-covered bunny. Sadly, I think only about 3 people might actually Get It.
6. In addition to going to Afghanistan soon, this week the DH is in the field. He's still on crutches, so I'm not entirely sure how this is supposed to work. Guess we'll find out, huh? I just hope he manages to not overdo things, and comes home to me in at least as good shape as he's been in lately. *sigh*
7. I have been reading somewhat obsessively lately, but I've been rather a lurker than a joiner over on Goodreads, and haven't been reviewing. And I won't be here. I'll just say that what I've been reading is every Mercedes Lackey I can get my hands on that's set in the same world as Valdemar. I'm not really sure why; someone mentioned the Last Herald-Mage trilogy on a thread somewhere; I dug out my copies, and I was off.
8. I am really disappointed when the library only has books 1 and 3 of a trilogy. It would be one thing if book 2 were simply lost or perpetually checked out, but instead...no. There are no signs it was ever even purchased.
9. Regarding libraries: What is the purpose of an online catalog if it's impossible to access online? I mean, really.
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