Self-flagellation is not helpful

I find that sometimes (all too often, in fact) I mentally castigate myself for those things that I see as personal failings. It's like an underlying inner monologue going on All TheTime...

"I should be..."

"I ought to..."

"Why can't I just....?"

The truth is, sometimes some of the things I see as weakness of character or lack of willpower... Aren't. There are some things that, no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be able to change. They're matters of *biology* rather than character; a reaction to things hardwired into brain or body or both, or a response to external stimuli that occurs at an instinctive level.

Yes, I went to bed at a reasonable time, but then stayed up far later than I should have reading rather than sleeping. And this morning, I gave myself hell about it.

But, you know what? I know perfectly well that, had I not been reading, I would have just been lying there, thinking about stuff. Or even about nothing more than "Why am I not sleeping? I *should* be sleeping. I have to get up early in the morning to get the boys to the bus stop on time. I'm tired. So why am I not sleeping? I *should* be sleeping."  (Do you see the circle that's forming in the air above my head?)

And I know that it's not my fault. It's not anyone's fault. (Well, maybe I can spread some blame around, but I'm not going to.) I know that it's just my body reacting to things going on around me. Like the fact that my DH is out in the field this week, and still on crutches (well, one crutch, anyway. Which is better than two.) So I'm worried about him overdoing and/or just plain getting hurt and having a healing setback. And I'm not used to not having him in the house, not being held by him for a while before we both drift off...

In the morning, when my alarm goes off, yeah, I'm glad that his didn't wake me up an hour before. But I miss that half-asleep kiss as he leaves for work. Part of me is aware that he's not going to be home for dinner tonight (or will he? Sometimes the return from these little jaunts in the woods is left up in the air...) And I know that, if I crawl into bed early to read for a bit, there are not going to be those noises that signify I'm not the only adult in the house -- the TV or computer, the sounds of someone locking up, talking to the dog and cats, the running of the faucet or opening of the fridge... Nope. It's just me, pretending desperately that I'm ok with it, knowing I'm not -- and knowing it's going to be at least ten times worse next month when he's training in California. And exponentially worse after that, when he deploys to Afghanistan.

Sometimes, we have to stop blaming ourselves, and recognize that it's not our fault. The trick is figuring out when. ('Cause, after all...sometimes it *is*!)